Morgan May Treuil [00:00:00]:
Okay. Welcome back to Am I Doing This Right?
Leslie Johnston [00:00:04]:
And Morgan is back in the studio.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:06]:
Back in the studio.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:07]:
It feels so good to be back. And Morgan, certainly, I don't think they've ever even seen him.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:11]:
They've, they've seen him once on a video screen, scream into the microphone. Cody will love that.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:18]:
Um, can you get him to smile?
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:19]:
Hey, Whalen, can you smile? Say hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Can you smile?
Leslie Johnston [00:00:28]:
Hi.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:29]:
Oh, I know, that's kind of a smile.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:33]:
He's the best.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:34]:
He is so sweet.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:35]:
I have loved— I have loved you guys being back, obviously for, you know, our friendship reasons, but also he is just the best.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:42]:
He's just the cutest little baby.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:44]:
Like the other night, he just slept during the entire small group.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:47]:
He did. He just went from person to person, just like bullfrogging on their chest. So sweet.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:53]:
This is just like the best age cuz they're smiley.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:55]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:56]:
And they're so fun.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:57]:
Yes. So he, uh, I had to fill out this thing for his pediatrician's office and it's like, is he smiling? Is he making eye contact?
Leslie Johnston [00:01:03]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:04]:
Is he starting to like want to hold his head up? Is he holding small objects in his hands? And I'm like, oh no, I haven't given him a single object to hold. See if he'll hold the cap.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:14]:
Hey, Waylon.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:15]:
That's the kind of object he should be holding right now.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:17]:
This is like a live doctor's appointment right now.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:18]:
I know. Hey, Waylon, hold that.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:19]:
Hey, can you hold this?
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:21]:
Can you hold it? Oh, oh, can you hold this? Can you hold that?
Leslie Johnston [00:01:27]:
He's like, I'm not sure about this.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:29]:
It's also kind of— it's kind of a weird shape. Oh, oh, oh, check!
Leslie Johnston [00:01:32]:
He did it!
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:33]:
That works. So he's got a big head and he's got big cheeks. He got acorns in his cheeks.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:39]:
Hi!
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:41]:
Can you say hi?
Leslie Johnston [00:01:43]:
Hi! Is that all you can do? Everyone who doesn't listen is like, what's happening?
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:52]:
I think this is on this podcast.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:52]:
Yeah, well, this is Waylon, you guys.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:53]:
He's the best. And now we're gonna give him to his, to his dad because he's got a single dad who works two jobs and loves his kids and never stops. His dad also refuses to ever come on the podcast. That's sweet.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:03]:
This, that was his first. I think the camera might have caught him, so it's perfect. Okay, now we're back.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:09]:
We're officially back. Welcome to Am I Doing This Right? If you're, um, if you're listening to this for first time, we don't make this about babies, so you won't, you won't, you won't be getting that every time.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:19]:
But Waylon is worth making everything about because he's so cute.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:23]:
He's so cute. Perfect. Um, do an unpopular— we're gonna do, we're gonna do, because we're in our Love Month kind of series of episodes, and so we're gonna do some rapid-fire questions and answers that you guys submitted. So we'll break this up into two episodes so we can cover all the questions. But before that, we have to start with an unpopular opinion.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:43]:
Yes. Which, um, we had put— I put on our stories this morning. Oh, actually, I have an unpopular opinion. Maybe we'll do those other ones for the next, in the next episode.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:53]:
Okay.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:55]:
Um, well, okay, I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion or more just something that's like just so crazy to me.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:00]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:00]:
I just don't think boys can take their sweatshirts off without to fully like stripping off their shirt underneath.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:07]:
Like, just boys, not girls? Just boys.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:10]:
Because I watched— I watched this guy do this the other day, and I was like, you know what's funny is I've never seen a guy take off a sweatshirt without, like, actually— because they always, they always do this, they like pull the sweatshirt— yes— over their head, and then their shirt obviously comes off with it, and then they have to like— right— really quickly, like, pull it down over their chest.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:30]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:30]:
But I'm just laughing, like, us girls can, you know, take off our sweatshirts 100% fine.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:35]:
How are we able to do that?
Leslie Johnston [00:03:36]:
I, I don't know if— my unpopular opinion is boys are just doing it wrong.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:40]:
Well, they're doing it wrong, and they probably have less to be cautious of. Like, if you think about us, it's like stakes are higher if you want to pull your sweatshirt off in public. It's like, we got some stuff that you just need to cover. But boys, they're like, oh, it's just my chest, whatever. Cuz boys are allowed to be shirtless and girls not allowed to be shirtless.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:56]:
That's— but to me, like, taking your sweatshirt off by like pulling the hood up over your head like they do it just like— I feel like it like chokes you, and then you're like, it is just so difficult. So I guess my unpopular opinion is like, that's not easier. I think boys just like, they've been raised like that's how they take sweatshirts off.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:12]:
Totally.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:13]:
And it's like a boy thing. And then they just— they need to do what we do. You need to take the arms in.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:17]:
Take your arm out, and then you.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:18]:
Do this, do this little— that this doesn't get your makeup on it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:21]:
Yes, yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:22]:
Do the little number where you pull.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:24]:
Your front shirt off and then you pull the other one down, or you have somebody else hold your undershirt down. There's ways to do it.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:31]:
Except I could never see— I maybe would be an ick if a guy was like, can pull my shirt down underneath, take off my sweatshirt.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:38]:
Um, I'm realizing as we're filming this that Benji probably has my keys in the backpack that he just took, so we can keep talking, but I'm gonna tell him that, okay, you sleep my keys. Great. That's a great unpopular opinion. I agree with you.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:48]:
Thank you.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:50]:
Um, okay, so we put a question box on our stories. Was that a week ago?
Leslie Johnston [00:04:58]:
Um, yes, before our last episode, and.
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:00]:
We asked people to submit relationship issues or questions, scenarios, things like that, and we were going to respond to them. So last week we, we tackled like not enough because we ended up just like, we, we got some, we covered some content with those. So now we're going to kind of keep chipping through the rest, and there are some really good questions. Yes, they got published, but I'm trying to remember where we left off.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:24]:
Okay, I have where we left off. I sent them to you on text so you can click those. Okay, but okay, here's one that I think we should to start with.
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:31]:
Okay.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:32]:
And you, I guess you're the only one to be able to speak to this, but they, she said, people say marriage is hard, but it seems amazing, asking as a fiancée.
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:41]:
Okay, because we're trying to go rapid fire, I'll try to answer this in a, in a succinct way. I hate when people get online or go to bridal showers or different situations like that and they just spew negativity about what to expect. I hate that. Yeah. I think that's like the worst way to help prepare people for marriage or parenting or whatever. Right? Like everything you're gonna do in life has good things about it and bad things about it.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:11]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:06:11]:
It has ups and downs. Mm-hmm. But I'm, I'm, I, I hate the whole like fearmongering thing of like, just you wait till marriage cuz it's gonna suck. Right? It's just like, what does that do? Um, marriage is beautiful. It's awesome. It's fun. And it's hard, but I will say my personal opinion, because of my personal experience, is that dating was way harder than marriage for us.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:34]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:06:35]:
Way harder than marriage. Um, and so I think that— why.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:38]:
Do you think that?
Morgan May Treuil [00:06:39]:
Well, I think for us it was the personal context of some of the things that we were working through as a dating couple were just, um, yeah, stuff that we hadn't really solved for yet. And so I think it created a lot of unnecessary problems. But I also think that marriage adds a level of commitment and stability that solves some of the fights that you don't know why you're having them. Because a lot of fights come from a place of like insecurity, um, lack of being grounded. And when you solve— when, when you get married and you decide that you're doing this forever and you're not going to break up, then that's kind of like— it eliminates some of that insecurity, I guess I would say. Um, So I would say marriage is hard and it's also amazing. It's more amazing than it is hard. Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:29]:
Um, but all things that are good and worth fighting for are hard things, right? Like parenting is not easy, but it's worth it to fight for it. So yeah, I mean, that's like kind of a, like a, a short, simple answer. It's not profound. It's both. It's both of those things.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:43]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:43]:
And so, but I think experiencing it is about going into it and being like, my expectations is that this is going to be awesome and hard sometimes. And then if it's both of those things, then that's great.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:55]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:56]:
I don't know.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:57]:
No, I think that's a, I think that's a great answer because I think part of it is, at least from what I've heard, I hear a lot of people say, which I actually kind of like, they say marriage itself shouldn't be hard. Life is hard.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:09]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:10]:
Like, but your marriage should help, should almost like I don't wanna say this, like, obviously people are people and everybody's flawed, but like, life is hard. Marriage shouldn't be hard. Marriage should actually be making life easier for you. Yeah. Like somebody who's like going through it with you and they actually like ease some of those things about life being hard. Yeah. Um, so I love that perspective to go, hey, you should, you should want to be with your spouse enough where you're like, Oh, I'm getting into marriage, but this is just gonna be so hard.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:42]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:42]:
And it's like, no, but life is hard and people are flawed people, so no one's ever gonna be perfect.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:47]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:47]:
So I think that probably what is what contributes to marriage being hard.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:50]:
You know, the, um, the phrase like the honeymoon phase. Mm-hmm. The honeymoon phase means like, it's like the phase where everything's all like bright, sunshiny, easy, romantic. The reason they call it the honeymoon phase is because when you're on your honeymoon, you're sitting on a beach. It's some all-inclusive resort and everyone's cooking you meals and you, you have no cares in the world besides just like being on vacation.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:13]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:14]:
And life is not vacation.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:15]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:16]:
So if it was just you and your spouse on a beach the entire rest of your lives, then marriage would be really easy and you wouldn't have any problems. But you're right. Life is, is at play. And, um, yeah. So I think that that's a great way of putting it. It's like, yeah, marriage shouldn't be hard. But life will be hard and life makes marriage hard sometimes.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:34]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:34]:
So that's great.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:35]:
That's good.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:37]:
Um, did we do the being lonely one?
Leslie Johnston [00:09:41]:
I don't think so.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:41]:
And okay. Um, this question says battling loneliness and celibacy. Celibacy means, um, the commitment to not have sex. As someone who is truly single for the first time in 15 years, I don't know what truly single means versus just like single. I don't know if there is, anyways, truly single. Uh, for the first time in 15 years, advice.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:04]:
Probably truly single means like I'm not like talking to somebody, right?
Morgan May Treuil [00:10:07]:
Like I'm not— you're like not dating anybody.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:09]:
I'm not dating somebody. I may not be in a relationship, but I at least am like, oh, I legitimately don't have anybody that I'm right currently dating.
Morgan May Treuil [00:10:18]:
Yes, that makes sense.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:21]:
Hmm, well, that's hard. I mean, I think especially after 15 years, she says, or he, I don't know who wrote this. Um, I think first of all, good for you for not trying to fill the void with somebody who's not worth actually like your time or dating. I think a lot of times when loneliness creeps in or, um, or I don't know situations where it's like, oh, you could so easily just be like, oh, I'm gonna find somebody else to jump into a relationship with or jump into dating. Um, so first of all, good for you for being like, okay, after 15 years of whatever that past relationship was, to go like, okay, I'm, I'm in this season where I'm truly single. Um, I think probably a good thing to remember is that those moments don't necessarily last forever. I think the feeling of loneliness, whether that's you're in a relationship or you're in a relationship and you still feel lonely.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:23]:
Mm-hmm.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:24]:
Um, I think that there's like ebbs and flows of life. And so I think sometimes what helps me in hard seasons is like, okay, you know what? It's actually okay that this is hard right now. Yeah. And I know that this season will not last forever.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:38]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:39]:
Um, and that there'll be times where you're like, Oh, I actually look around and I'm like, oh, I'm not even like really, whether you're in a relationship or not, I'm not even battling the loneliness thing anymore like I was.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:51]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:51]:
So it's like to trust that like God will take you out of that valley. Like there's highs and lows. Yeah. And so I think some of it is to not just like distract yourself into not being sad or not being lonely.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:05]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:05]:
But to go like, okay, I know that this season. Will not last forever. So it's okay to feel that way right now.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:12]:
It's great. It's really good.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:13]:
And to lean into like other, like friendships in your life.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:17]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:17]:
I think people, especially because I've been this way too, if you're kind of a relationships person and you've been in a lot of relationships, most of your like adult life has been in relationships, to not be in one is, is scary. But I have seen firsthand and I've seen with other friends where they go, okay, surprisingly, when I was single, I actually was— I still wanted marriage, but I was really fulfilled because I dove into my friendships and I dove into, um, other relationships that are more like friend-based.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:51]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:52]:
That really did fill my cup. Like, I, I felt like, oh, I came out of that season and I actually looked back on that with fondness because it was like, oh my gosh, God provided so many other ways to not feel lonely?
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:04]:
Yeah, totally.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:05]:
What would you say?
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:06]:
No, I think that that basically covers it. And I was gonna add what you just said. I, uh, we know it's possible— I don't want to diminish the fact that like being single is a particular kind of loneliness that feels really big, you know, like because the world is so hyperfixated on marriage and relationships romantically. I was preaching about this last night. There's like 4 different kinds of, love that are talked about in the Bible because there's 4 different Greek words that are used for love. Um, one of them is eros love, E-R-O-S, which is romantic love. There's phileo love, which is friendship love, storge love, which is, uh, familial love. And then what's the last one? Oh, agape love, which is sacrificial love.
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:53]:
Um, and then it's like there, there are all different kinds of words that are used for all different kinds of love, but the world is most focused on that eros romantic kind of love. But it is possible to get fulfillment from the other two or from the other three. Right? And the reason we know that that's possible is because if you look at Jesus's life, he was fully fulfilled in his 33 years here, fully happy and content with his life. And the relationships that he had to work with were the relationship to himself, himself being God. Yeah. His relationship with his family and his relationship with his friends. He didn't even have romantic love as a part of his life. And it was not any less fulfilled.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:34]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:34]:
Um, which just goes to show that I think we can live fully fulfilled lives with our relationship with God, friends, family, even if the romantic love never comes. But I say that with the understanding that that's a really hard thing to navigate too, because everybody wants to be married and I think it's a great desire. So it is possible to have fulfillment and to not feel lonely even in other kinds of relationships. But it might require a perspective shift, right? Yeah. Like where romantic love doesn't become the end-all be-all of your life.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:05]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:15:05]:
So what I would say too is like, if you find yourself in a season of loneliness because of singleness, that's great. God will bring you in and out of those kinds of seasons for all of your life. Mm-hmm. If you feel like you're stuck in like years and years worth of being not satisfied with your relationship status and having that affect your joy. Then I would ask the question, like, what, what does the idea of romantic love, like, what is, what, what, what place is that in my, like, is it an idol or is it something that I'm maybe like too fixated on? Yeah. Um, to the point where it's like diminishing your joy because you don't have it. That might be like a bigger, a bigger issue to tackle.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:46]:
Yeah. Or the comparison that, oh, well, because that person is in a marriage or a relationship, I feel more lonely because I'm just assuming that they never feel lonely.
Morgan May Treuil [00:15:56]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:56]:
Like they have somebody. Totally. But I think if you ask a lot of married people, sometimes they say, I'm like super lonely.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:02]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:03]:
Even if their spouse is great. Yeah. It's like we need more relationships in our lives than just that person. Yep. Like I see a lot of like people and influencers post like, all I need is my husband. And it's like, okay, but you're gonna get to some point where you're like, Yes, they fulfill a lot of things for you, but I do think God wired us to have friendships.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:22]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:23]:
To have relationships of all different kinds that fulfill us. Yes. And I think that's like the most full way to live. Agreed. So it's like you not being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Mm-hmm. And you can experience loneliness, but I don't think that's like, well, I have to be lonely until I meet somebody. Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:39]:
No, I agree. Great way of putting it.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:43]:
So, Um, okay. Tips or starting a family as young marrieds. Tips, things you wish you knew.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:52]:
Gosh, I feel like we're so right at the beginning of this that I don't really have, uh, like, you're like, no tips. I'm like, we— I asked this question.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:02]:
No.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:02]:
Um, our goal was to wait 2 years, um, to start having kids because we wanted The idea was to like be married for a little. We, we didn't know each other before we started dating. Yeah. We basically met and then started dating. Um, so we wanted like some kind of a foundation. Yeah. Not to just go from like strangers to married to parents. Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:24]:
Because having kids then puts a whole other level of like strain on your relationship.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:30]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:30]:
Both because kids are exhausting and hard, but then also. You think about all the things that you might not see eye to eye on before you get married. And then what I think people don't realize is that once you get married, you're fine with not seeing eye to eye on certain things because you're still two kind of individual units. Mm-hmm. Then you combine yourselves and you create this new person, and then you both become really passionate about your ways of thinking. Mm-hmm. And then the compromise on that can be really tricky because you both care for how another human is about to be raised. And so your difference of thinking just becomes a little bit more like, oh, we gotta get dialed on what we're willing to compromise on and stuff.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:11]:
And so yeah, I think my suggestion for starting a family to young marrieds would be, um, I don't think there's a right or wrong time to have kids. I think, um, at least for us, like we didn't actually plan out the timing of this baby in the way that we had originally planned for it to be. So the baby came earlier than we thought. The baby came earlier than we had originally planned to try to have the baby come, if that makes sense. Yeah. And it's perfect, perfectly God's timing. Anytime God brings a, a child into your family, whether it's earlier than you thought or later than you thought, it's God's perfect timing. It's okay to be sad about that timing, but in full picture, full circle moments, you'll be able to see what God was doing.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:54]:
Yeah. That being said, I don't think you're ever gonna be fully ready or have all of your ducks in a row to be able to have kids. Yeah. Um, you, you literally prepare for 9 months to have a baby while it's growing inside you, and then it comes home and you're like, oh, we didn't think about anything this day.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:08]:
What was I doing? What were we doing?
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:09]:
Yeah. What were we getting ready for? Um, this might sound, um, this might sound, I don't know, maybe like insensitive because babies can also create like a financial burden. But my recommendation is when you get pregnant, you should start seeing a marriage counselor if you haven't already. Even if it's not a weekly thing, like whatever your budget can afford, you should see a marriage counselor. Um, because you want your support levels to rise when your stress levels rise. Your dad says that. Yeah. Um, and your sister Christie reminded me that your dad said that yesterday in a text message cuz it was really good for me to hear.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:43]:
Mm-hmm. And so if you build in a regular thing of like, we see a counselor to talk through things, then let that like standing monthly appointment or whatever it is last you into your kid phase.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:55]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:56]:
Um, because there's a lot more things to disagree about. There's a lot more things to create stress.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:02]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:02]:
Um, it's just a whole, it's a whole other part of life. And so as much as you can take care of your marriage while you are also taking care of your growing family. Mm-hmm. That's probably the only advice that I know to give so far. That's so good. Is just take care of both of those things. Don't neglect the marriage part because the kid part is all-consuming.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:18]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:18]:
That's a very easy thing to do.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:20]:
Yeah. Well, and it's such a huge change. Like, yeah, even watching you guys, watching Madison and Tyler have a baby, it's like, oh, like your life is so different. Like, you go, one day I was pregnant, and obviously you're like growing this baby for 9 months, but I feel like when they're actually here, it's like, whoa, oh yeah, forever.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:43]:
Your life is not different when you're pregnant. Like, you might feel different, but your life is the same.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:47]:
Yeah. Until they're here. I think people deal with change very differently. So maybe like for someone who's like saying this question, it's like, okay, how do you both deal with change? And so how can you then support each other and get support for when big changes come?
Morgan May Treuil [00:21:04]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:04]:
Like to me, I know I'm not good with change. Like I have a really hard time with, so I mean, I like change, but then there's a part of it that like I, I don't love. So to me it's like, knowing when like big changes come in life, I'm like, okay, I gotta really make sure that I'm like supported and getting support and all of that. So I think, yeah, when you're thinking about you and like your spouse, it's like, okay, how do you both deal with change and then anticipate that ahead of time?
Morgan May Treuil [00:21:30]:
Yep.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:31]:
Because it is such a massive change.
Morgan May Treuil [00:21:33]:
No, it's a massive change. And then you have no sleep. And like you said too, the idea of like you being young married means that you are acknowledging you're doing this at a really early point in your relationship. So then if your foundation hasn't been laid as long as other people's has, then that's even more of an invitation to like get help, take care of each other, take care of your relationship. Yep. Even if that costs money or time or— yeah, like prioritize that. Yes. Lynn Lugo, who's one of our small group leaders, that was what she said to me at our baby shower.
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:06]:
That was her her parenting advice to me. Everybody else told me about parenting and she told me you have to keep your eyes on Benji the entire time. Yeah. And I was like, that's, that seems like intuitive, duh. And it's, yeah, actually the most not intuitive thing. Yeah. When, when you actually have a kid, cuz oh, for sure your eyes are on the kid, but the best thing for the kid is to have parents that love each other. Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:30]:
So I think it's good. Sometimes babies come and you didn't, you weren't expecting to get pregnant and then you do. And that's obviously all in. God's timing. Yeah. But to me, if you are making the decision to, I think it's, I think it's good. As I've watched, I've watched people growing up, it's like, okay, if you're young married, I think you're right. It's like, how solid is your relationship? Because if it's not feeling solid, kids will not help that.
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:57]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:57]:
I think a lot of people think like, okay, our marriage, like it's just like lacking something or we're not feeling super stable, so Let's bring a kid into it because then it'll bond us.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:06]:
It'll complete us. Yes. Complete our family.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:08]:
And you're like, if anything, that will add another, yeah. Like tension point between the two of you. It'll be such a good thing. But so I think it's like, okay, are you like, are the motives for having that child like something that you two just wanna do this together in a, in a good positive way? Or are you trying to fix something? Yes. So I love your advice. Like go to marriage counseling even if you don't, even if your marriage is not on the rocks. Like, yeah, it, marriage counseling is for good marriages and struggling marriages. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:36]:
Ones.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:36]:
So do things from a place of fullness, not from a place of hunger. So don't have a kid because you're hungry. Yes. Have a kid because you're full and you want to multiply on fullness and joy. That's really good. Because if you have it because you're looking for it, I mean, kids at first are just parasitical. Like, they are, they are a, like, a resource. Physical, emotional, a mental, mental, emotional, spiritual suck.
Morgan May Treuil [00:24:00]:
And they're a blessing, but that's what.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:02]:
They are at first.
Morgan May Treuil [00:24:03]:
Yeah. Not a lot of, not a lot of give and.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:06]:
Take.
Morgan May Treuil [00:24:07]:
It's a lot of, lot of give and a lot of take from them. Exactly. Um, we'll do this one as our last one before we can switch over, because it's been— I think it's been close to 30. Okay. Um, and this one I feel like might take a little bit of time. What role does social media play in relationships? Is it okay to like other girls' or other guys' pictures, etc.? This is a— this is like a question that our parents did not have to ask or sort through. No. No, which I'm not, not to be like in the, in the good old, yeah, I wasn't there in the good old days, but like my parents tell me about how they met and started dating and my dad literally called my mom on her landline as she was living at my grandparents' house and she screened his calls 3 times because he was in insurance sales at the time and she thought he was trying to sell them insurance.
Morgan May Treuil [00:24:58]:
So it's like the times are.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:01]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:01]:
And then like full circle, like my sister met her husband because he slid into her DMs on Instagram when he was living in. So like the ways that people meet, start dating, conduct relationships. Yes. We are in a totally different realm. Yes. Than what's happened before. Totally different egos. This question is like almost uncharted.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:22]:
Like we're figuring this out as we go.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:24]:
Yeah. There's no read receipts back then. No, it wasn't like they read my text and they didn't respond or they left me on read or they whatever. You could see.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:32]:
If someone's been on their phone and not responded to your message by checking when they were last active on Instagram. Did you know that? That's hilarious. I can literally see if Benji doesn't respond to my text message but he was active 30 seconds on Instagram, I'm like, what's going on here?
Leslie Johnston [00:25:49]:
Respond to my text. That's so funny.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:52]:
There's just too much.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:53]:
There's just so much because back then it would have been like, you know what, he's probably, you know, working the cows and he's gonna, he's just busy. He would call me if he wanted to.
Morgan May Treuil [00:26:03]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:03]:
Yeah. The whole, if he wanted to, he would, is just so different now because now they, they could, which they really could.
Morgan May Treuil [00:26:10]:
This question feels like it's asking, this.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:13]:
Is a jealousy boundary, boundary thing. Yes. So I'll, I'll kind of speak to this because I would say that there have been times where I have been scarred in the past for things. So then I bring that into a new relationship and go like, okay, well everything's like a, like it's like a trigger or something. Like it's a red flag or a red alarm that goes up when there's certain things I see that takes me back to a previous relationship. So I think to speak to the, to the first part of it, I think How you decide that you feel about kind of this question, or the question of just like relationships with the opposite sex of the person that you're dating, yeah, of their relationship with the other people, is that are you completely basing your like opinions and your feelings and your reactions to that person, or is it a previous relationship that you're pulling from? So a lot of times I've caught myself being so upset about something and then me talking to the guy about that and then being like, wait, I've never done anything though to like make you think that I don't— that you can't trust me. Or like, when have I done something in that way? And I'm like, well, you didn't, but this person did. And so then I have this learned pattern of like, when that happens, this will happen.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:36]:
Yeah. And it's like, that's not fair to that guy. So I've had to work in myself of like, okay, am I viewing them just as who they are? Yep. Now with the caveat of like, I do think there's some lines and some things that are smart. What's your opinion on this?
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:57]:
Well, I mean, I think because this is such a huge part of our landscape today, I think this is a really healthy conversation to have in your relationship. Just like you have boundaries conversations about your own like physical stuff and like, where, where are we gonna be, what are we gonna do, you know, what's appropriate, what's not appropriate. You have all those conversations. You probably even have conversations with your significant other about people of the opposite sex. Like Benji and I had conversations when we were dating about how I wasn't— we weren't comfortable with each other being like alone or hanging out solo with somebody of the opposite sex. Like that was just a boundary we set for our relationship. So you're already having boundary conversations that are more of like the in-person physical boundary conversations. Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:28:46]:
So there's no reason why social media shouldn't be a conversation that you're having because you both have Instagram or Snapchat or Facebook or whatever. Um, and I think that there's this, you know, there's the reality that we live in a broken world and we all have a sin nature, so you're not immune to anything.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:05]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:05]:
Social media can be a great thing to participate in and it can also be a pitfall thing to participate in. Mm-hmm. So I think having like really open, honest conversations, boundary conversations, expectations, conversations with your significant other about what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with is totally acceptable. Cuz like you said, like it's not fair for you to bring in your past stuff from somebody else and to put it on somebody else. Mm-hmm. But it is very fair for you to be like, okay, because I've experienced this in the past and I know this can be a problem because of that, I would love to incorporate this boundary into our.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:42]:
Relationship.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:42]:
Um, and I think that's like a totally normal, okay thing to do when, I don't know if this is appropriate for dating or not. That's something that maybe you have to decide with the Holy Spirit about what you think about this. But within marriage, it's like, I feel totally comfortable seeing someone online that I'm not comfortable with Benji following because of their content and telling him, hey, I, I would really prefer you not follow that person. And if he respects me, he should have no problem unfollowing that person. Like if you come to your significant other and you're like, hey, can you unfollow this person? Because you know, the content makes me uncomfortable. If there's protesting to that, mm-hmm, then I would love to hear like a really good reason why it's not okay for you to unfollow them, you know?
Leslie Johnston [00:30:26]:
For.
Morgan May Treuil [00:30:29]:
Sure. Um, so I, I, I think it's a conversation that doesn't have to be off limits. Mm-hmm. Um, and especially within marriage, like it's kind of a conversation that has to play a role in your relationship because it's all right here on your phone. It's very easy for social media to become like a secretive thing that you do that you're not checking on and you're not. Talking with each other about it. Yeah. So that's kind of my first take on it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:30:54]:
Yeah. I also think that when you see, like, for example, um, I've had people share this with me, that they are uncomfortable with who they see their significant other interacting with on social media. Like, they see their significant other liking somebody's photos that they're not comfortable with, or just like And it's easy to read into those things. Um, I will say that I don't know that people are consciously aware always of what they're doing on social media.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:26]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:31:26]:
And I don't think that everything is like always a shady attempt to like.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:30]:
Yeah, flirt, cheat on you.
Morgan May Treuil [00:31:31]:
Yeah. Right. Like, yeah. Sometimes I think people just scroll and like things.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:35]:
Mm-hmm.
Morgan May Treuil [00:31:35]:
But if it's something that makes you uncomfortable or helps you write, you know, false narratives in your head, then that's worth having a conversation about it. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:42]:
I wanna highlight what you said of if you talk to your person and you're like, hey, I'm uncomfortable with this specific person, or even like, I don't know, like I, there's some things to me that there's just no reason for them to follow. Like if your boyfriend or husband or whatever is following like celebrity girls who don't wear a lot of clothing. Yes. There's no reason for them to be following them. No. Like, You are not controlling.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:11]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:11]:
By being like, hey, I don't love that you see a bunch of half-naked pictures all day long. Like, yeah, you, if you're not saying something, you should.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:21]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:21]:
Um, I think if there, if it has anything to do with an ex, mm-hmm, like an ex-girlfriend or whoever, I personally don't believe there is any reason to follow an ex.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:32]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:32]:
And to me, especially if they're liking things of that person, That just communicates something that even if, even if your significant other, and this is something like I've talked to Michael about a lot, is like, even if I know that your motives are not wrong at all, to me, I don't even like that they might take it the wrong way. Yeah. Like that just makes me feel, yes. Kind of like disrespected.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:56]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:56]:
You know? That's a good point. And so that's been something like I've talked with, um, people about, but So I think there's certain things that are just like, you're not— like, sometimes I think girls are so afraid of being like, well, I want to be like the chill girl that like doesn't care. Yeah. And it's like, okay, but at some point, the chill girl that doesn't care, there is a level of like respect that they should have for you and that you should have for them. Yeah. And I think during your dating phase, I would just be very mindful and very like— I mean, not that you have to stalk them at all, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying like be mindful about how they deal with those things because I know a lot of people who are older than me but like have been in situations where they've been cheated on or things have gone really badly with social media and stuff like that. And a lot of times I'll hear, dang, I knew when we were dating that something like this could happen. Like there were signs and things that I felt like God was trying to tell me, right? And I don't say that to like fearmonger people, but I do think that There are times I think God gives little like nudges of like, hey, pay attention to that.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:03]:
Uh-huh. And it's like, not that that person's then gonna cheat on you later, but to me, at least if you have a conversation about it, you can see how they deal with that.
Morgan May Treuil [00:34:10]:
Yep.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:10]:
And you're right. If the, if the response is super defensive and like, I should be able to like whatever photos I want, you can't control me. Maybe next. Yes. Yes. Move on. Yes. Because that person is not going to respect you.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:24]:
When it comes to serious things in life where you're like, hey, this is actually a big deal in life and I feel uncomfortable. If the pattern to them is like, well, I get to do whatever I want, like you don't control me, it's like you want to be entering into a relationship with somebody who you're like, you maybe don't always see eye to eye, but you do respect one another enough. Yes. Where those conversations can end in a positive way.
Morgan May Treuil [00:34:47]:
Yes, yes. It makes me, it makes me sad that girls are out here not addressing problematic issues because they're so stressed about not being the chill girlfriend. Yes, like they don't want to rock the boat because they're worried that they're gonna get left. Yeah, and the problem with that is that your dating relationship is research. This is a research period. This is you trying things, attempting to have conversations, seeing how they will respond. Like, that's what this is for, and you're choosing who you're going to marry, right? Like I hate the, the mindset of I'm trying to be chill so that they think I'm chill because it creates this like imbalanced relationship in which you are trying to be the person that they want to marry and yet you don't care what kind of person they are or if they're even worthy of marrying you.
Leslie Johnston [00:35:34]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:35:34]:
Right. And so I feel like having those conversations and taking moments to not be the chill girlfriend, but to be somebody who has. A standard and a boundary and upholding it and then seeing how they respond to it. Um, I think if it's a guy who is, who loves the Lord, loves you, and is secure, you having a boundary and sticking to it should be an attractive thing. Yes. Not a turnoff because you're too needy, whiny. Yeah. You know, anxiety or, or clingy.
Morgan May Treuil [00:36:06]:
Like that's not what that should feel like. Um, caveat though. To that on the opposite side. If you're somebody who lives in a constant state of insecurity and double-checking, and like, like I would say, like if you're somebody who goes through your significant other's messages on Instagram or text messages on like a regular, like everyday basis because you're so untrusting of them, yeah, um, I would say You might be the not chill one that, that problem needs addressing. Yes. And that has less to do with them and more to do with you. Like what's, what's going on either in you personally or with this person where you feel so untrusting and so unsafe with them that you're having to do like constant investigative work. Cuz either that means the relationship needs to end cuz you're never gonna feel comfortable in something that you don't trust.
Morgan May Treuil [00:37:01]:
Right. Yeah. Or you need to figure out, like, is there some baggage from my past that I'm not dealing with that's making me, um, yeah, like you said earlier, apply a standard or like an expectation to this relationship that this person doesn't deserve because they weren't the ones that hurt you in the past.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:17]:
Yep.
Morgan May Treuil [00:37:17]:
So I would say it's— there needs to be some kind of like a middle ground here. Like, find the standards, hold the standards. You don't need to be the chill girlfriend all the time that's okay with whatever. You also don't need to be crazy. Yeah, yeah, yes. Not because I even care if they think you're crazy, but more so because I'm like, that's a, that's a you health thing. Like, you don't want to go through life, yep, constantly on the lookout, waiting for somebody to hurt you. Yeah, there needs to be some healing that's applied there, probably before you enter into a relationship.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:48]:
Yeah, and you'll never— a huge thing for girls is they want to respect the guy that they're with. And if you don't trust him, you'll never respect him. So you need to build maybe some of that trust. If— and, and looking at like their whole character, like I think a lot of times us girls, like, we get so laser focused on like, well, he liked this girl's post, or he does that. And it's like, okay, in the grand scheme of things, is he a trustworthy person? Like, has he proven to be trustworthy and someone that you feel like has good character, then I think sometimes if you're not, if you're kind of the crazy girlfriend, you need to take a step back and go like, okay, but do I trust them wholeheartedly in their whole person? Yeah. And then it's like, okay, now I can still address things that worry me, but at least then you go, I'm coming at this a little less psycho. Yeah. And a little more like whole person.
Leslie Johnston [00:38:42]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:38:43]:
Oriented. Yes. That's great. One, one clarification too, just cause I don't want it to be heard the wrong way. I'm not saying that you can't look at their messages if you feel like there's something going on where you like want to look and see. Mm-hmm. I'm just saying if you're doing it like every single day as like a standard practice in your relationship.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:00]:
Yes. You're like, that might lead to something too much. Yeah. OCD.
Morgan May Treuil [00:39:04]:
Yeah. Okay. Um, that's good.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:06]:
Love it. Well, you guys, thanks for joining us. Thanks for listening to this episode of Am I Doing This Right? Um, Valentine's Day edition. Valentine's, or next week. That's right. And we've got a few more really good questions. I'm actually excited for some of these other ones, just to tease them. Um, oh, places to meet people and places to stay away from for meeting people.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:26]:
Um, being ghosted, why does it happen? Oh, how to approach a relationship with someone who grew up as a follower, as someone who was saved later in life.
Morgan May Treuil [00:39:36]:
Oh, okay, I guess two different good ones. That'll be good.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:39]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:39:40]:
So we'll do those next week on Am I Doing This Right? We will see you guys then. Bye.