Morgan May Treuil [00:00:00]:
Okay, guys, welcome back to Am I Doing this Right? This is just your friendly reminder that this is the part two to our episode with Christy about how to navigate grief and walking through miscarriage and loss and all of those things. So if you have not listened to part one of this episode, stop what you're doing, pause this episode, go back and listen to the first episode, and then once you're done, come back to this episode. We're talking about the practical nature of how you walk through grief and how friends can show up for you. What grief does to your relationship with God, how grief is not linear, it's a roller coaster and so many other things. We are so happy that you're here, and we hope that you enjoy and are touched by this episode. Happy listening. Christie, do you remember, or maybe this is something you're still doing and figuring out what your conversations with God, or maybe even, like, your relationship with God was. Like, maybe right in that moment of finding out and then in the days leaving that.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:58]:
Yeah, because you're talking about, like, pressing into grief. We're not going to avoid grief. But I also feel like there's this aspect of, like, okay, God, like, you said you were good and something bad is happening to me.
Christy Speers [00:01:10]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:10]:
Can you speak to that part of things?
Christy Speers [00:01:12]:
Totally. So it was interesting even. Even in the, like, worst moment. And I don't say this as, like, because I'm a naturally very skeptical person. I'm a very natural skeptical person about God. Like, I feel like I've always walked with kind of like a. Like, got a side eye on God on some stuff, you know? Like, I just am, like, that is just my mo. My whole life.
Christy Speers [00:01:37]:
I am, like, a natural, like, worrier. I'm a natural, like, overanalyzer. I'm a natural. Like, are you actually going to do what you said you're going to do? Like, that is. That is so me.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:47]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:01:47]:
What was weird about this experience is that I. I didn't feel the. Like, why is this happening to me? Like, I think I felt like, oh, this is happening to me and there's no reason it shouldn't happen to me. Like, it was like this weird moment where I was like, I'm so scared, sad, and like, this is the worst case scenario. And again, I'm still early in my grief. Like, I'm like, in a. I'm in a month, month plus. And.
Christy Speers [00:02:24]:
But I didn't have that, like, God, like, what are you even doing? I don't trust you anymore. And that's not to say that I have this overwhelming amount of trust for him that's superb. And above other people. I think just in my grief specifically, there's been other things that have been harder, but that one just didn't feel as much of a thing for me. I don't know why. And again, it's not a, like, pat on the back for me. It just is. Genuinely, I think I was like, there's no reason that this shouldn't happen to me.
Christy Speers [00:02:54]:
Like, there's no reason that I should. That I am, like, entitled to a healthy full term pregnancy. Like, this happens to a lot of people. And I hate that this happened. I'm so sad, sad that this happened. And I'm bitter and angry. And I. Like, there were, there was, there was, there was one day specifically, which is so interesting because so we ended up doing a dnc.
Christy Speers [00:03:17]:
Just felt like that was the right choice for us. Like the baby was just happy in there and didn't want to come out. And so we did a dnc. And it's interesting because you almost go through a mini postpartum and you like, lose basically, like whatever amount of hormones in 72 hours. And they say oftentimes, like, it's almost like you a little bit gave a mini birth and you like, go through some hormonal changes and things like that. And they say, like, you can often feel like very flat and very like irritable and angry and all these things. But I remember there was a day like maybe like two days after the dnc and we're literally driving to the airport and I'm like, everything is the worst. Everything is terrible.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:00]:
Everything.
Christy Speers [00:04:00]:
Everyone else's lives are moving on and ours isn't. And this is the worst. And I'm just so mad that this is my life right now. Like, I'm so mad that this is my life. And I hate that everyone else is moving on and everything's not okay because our baby's not here and this is not okay. And I'm like, it's okay to have days like that. It's okay to feel that way. And it's okay to be really mad at God.
Christy Speers [00:04:22]:
Like, it. He really can take it. Like, I had a lot of conversations with people and they're like, especially people that have been through it. And they're like, don't be shy with God. Like, you have David, an entire book of the Bible in the Psalms. Half the time he's like, God, you're so amazing, like, bless your name. And then the other half he's like, what are you Doing like, this doesn't make any sense. Like, please just kill me now.
Christy Speers [00:04:44]:
Like so dramatic and so down. And I think, yeah, for me it was less of like a God. This has like really shaken who I think you are. But maybe that's just because I didn't anticipate that, like, his promise is not. His promise to me is not you will have a healthy baby. Like, that's not his promise. For me, it might happen, it might not happen. But like, ultimately that's not a promise that I think is came from God's lips.
Christy Speers [00:05:13]:
And so I'm like, where are you? You know?
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:15]:
Right.
Christy Speers [00:05:15]:
So I don't know.
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:17]:
No, that's super helpful.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:18]:
You should also talk about, because we talked about this a lot is like, I felt like through the whole process, even like the day of, like at the doctor's office and a couple days after, we were always saying like, it's weird because it feels like God's not hard to find.
Christy Speers [00:05:33]:
Yes, 100%.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:35]:
So talk about some of those things and I'll fill in the gaps. Cuz I know some of you too, if you miss.
Christy Speers [00:05:39]:
If you miss. So I felt like I saw God like literally craft certain days for me in this whole process, which I think was one of the best parts about actually facing grief and not avoiding it is being able to then be opened up to, like, okay, you're in all your pain and yet you can see where God is holding you up. And so for me, a couple of those things, like I mentioned the OB GYN that my dad had met and randomly had called. And randomly, it worked out. He ended up calling me and was like, hey, like, I can get you in. Like, I have stories of friends that like, weren't able to get into dnc, so then they had to do it naturally. And that was really hard for them.
Morgan May Treuil [00:06:16]:
And.
Christy Speers [00:06:16]:
And I was like, I don't, I don't even have an ob. Like I can't even get into anything. And so he was like, called me. He's like, you come in literally tomorrow. Like, we've got you. And so we literally drive up for the surgery and the day before, Leslie was so sweet. So one of the things that we had done, and Joey was so wonderful about all of us as well, is Joey was like, I just don't want to have any regrets. Like, I don't want to feel like we've already.
Christy Speers [00:06:41]:
We already feel like in some ways we're missing out. Right, because we miscarried. But he's like, I don't want to have any Regrets. So, like, we did, like. Like, almost, like, a little, like, in home maternity shoot, like, in between finding out and doing our dnc, and, like, Leslie came over and was our photographer. So cool. You can hire her. But we did photos together.
Christy Speers [00:07:01]:
Like, we did all this stuff that we were like, we're just not gonna have any regrets if we do these things. And so we did a bunch of that. And then I was so nervous about the DNC because I was like, you're holding this baby for 10 weeks, and then all of a sudden you're just gonna. Not the next day. But then you don't. You're. You're essentially going through, like, a wrong version of birth, and yet you have no baby to hold after it. And I remember just feeling like, I'm gonna feel so empty afterwards.
Christy Speers [00:07:28]:
Like, I'm just gonna feel so empty, and this is just gonna be the worst. And I woke up the morning of our dnc, and it was like, every single time I opened my Bible, every single time I was, like, getting into a devo. It just felt like everything was written for days, and God was just, like, literally, like, obviously putting things right in my face to, like, keep me going. And I remember the DNC day. I literally woke up, and I was like, this day was just, like, the entire day looking back on it. I'm like, that day was made for me. Like, we literally drive up to an hour up to the surgery spot. We get in there, like, every single person, we talk to, all the nurses.
Christy Speers [00:08:09]:
Everyone was so fun, so kind, so wonderful. And, like, humor is a big thing to me.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:15]:
Like, I feel like I deal a.
Christy Speers [00:08:17]:
Lot also with humor. And, like, that's a really actually good coping way for me in some ways. Every person was hilarious. Like, and I'm like, this doesn't normally happen at a hospital. Like, normally sometimes you get people that are just, like, dry. Just like, whatever. Every person was hilarious. So fun.
Christy Speers [00:08:31]:
We literally walk into the area where they were drawing my blood before surgery, and. And on the wall was, like, three. A little handwritten sign that they keep up there. And it was like, I can't even remember what it was, but it was like, love others, love God, leave the rest to him. Like, it was just like.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:48]:
I'm like, this isn't a public hospital.
Christy Speers [00:08:51]:
And we then walk in, I go into the OR prep area, and again, all the nurses, so fun, so kind. They're playing literally my favorite song in the or, and Joey and I. Joey's sitting next to me, and he's like, they're Playing your favorite song. And we're, like, laughing and, like, singing to this song. And, like, also sad, but, like, also just like, what the heck. We had all these wonderful doctors coming in, doing just incredible things. It just literally felt like thing after thing after thing. I had so much peace that day, and it was a day that I was dreading.
Christy Speers [00:09:22]:
I had so much peace. We end up doing the dnc. I, like, wake up. And again, the next nurse, again, so funny, so nice. She's like. And I was like, did I cry?
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:33]:
Because when I.
Christy Speers [00:09:34]:
When I had surgery for my ankle and they had to put me under, I, like, had woke up and I was, like, crying and I was so sad when I had done that surgery. And I. My first thing is I lean over to her and I'm like, did I cry? She's like, no, you were actually, like, thanking. You made us stop and thank every person in the O. R. As we.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:50]:
Were wheeling you out. That's my favorite part about this story, is you being like, thank you for being here.
Christy Speers [00:09:56]:
And it's like, they are.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:57]:
It's their job.
Christy Speers [00:09:58]:
Yeah, literally. And we then go home, we.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:02]:
And the doctor who was so sweet, who did it, he. He, like, came out and said hi to us because we were. Me and my parents and Joey were all in the waiting room. And my mom goes and gets. She had brought him a gift, like, a wreath, like, for that she had made. And she's like, I have a gift for you because you've just been so awesome. He starts, like, crying. So.
Christy Speers [00:10:21]:
So, yeah, she goes, so I had written him a note, and she said, I want to bring him the. I'll bring him a wreath. And I was like, okay. Amazing. Yes. Like, this guy's just done everything for us. And so then we come in and she gives him wreath. I'm in the.
Christy Speers [00:10:31]:
I think I'm back at this point. But she gives it to him in the, like, parking lot or whatever. And she had made all these wreaths for a pastor's party for us, for our. The pastors at our church. And she's like, I wanted to give you this wreath as, like, a thank you gift. And he goes, oh, like, no, no, no. This is, like, my job. Like, you don't need to do that.
Christy Speers [00:10:48]:
And she's like, no, but I, like, made these for all of the pastors. And you really pastored my daughter this week. And he just starts weeping. And it was just such a cool moment. It was so true. I'm like, all you health people, you guys are a bunch of Pastors out there doing better work than all of us.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:04]:
They really are.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:05]:
I know.
Christy Speers [00:11:06]:
So, yeah. And then we, yeah, went home and we had friends come over and, like, we were, like, laughing. We were just, like. It was just such a special day. I will look back on that day and be like, in the least morbid way, that was, like, one of the best days. Like, yeah, it was just weird. And, like, I think grief is that. It's like, you will have good days that feel horrible.
Christy Speers [00:11:28]:
Like, you'll be doing fun things, and you will feel horrible, and you'll go, oh, my gosh. Like, why do good days feel bad? And then you'll have bad days that actually feel really good, and, like, you'll have hard moments that actually feel good and go, like, this is the real stuff of life. And wow. I'm, like, honestly privileged to be, like, living in it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:47]:
That's.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:48]:
That's really good.
Christy Speers [00:11:48]:
We.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:49]:
We always say in our family, we're like, oh, I was just gonna say, we. We always say, like, that was a really good, hard day.
Christy Speers [00:11:56]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:56]:
And it was like, yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:57]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:11:57]:
Even that doctor, when you went in for when you first found out, and we walk into his office afterwards, he's so sweet.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:04]:
He's crying.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:05]:
Like, he's. Oh, my God, he's just so sweet and empathetic, but very steady. And we walk into his office, and he literally has a picture, like a. Like a painting in his office that his mom had got him when he first became a doctor, like, years and years and years ago. And it's an or, and it's all the doctors, like, working on somebody. And then there's Jesus just standing there behind him. He, like, still makes me cry on.
Christy Speers [00:12:31]:
The bottom, like chief of the medical. Chief of the medical staff put it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:35]:
Oh, we were like, oh, my God.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:37]:
I took a picture. I'll post on our Instagram so people can see it. But we were like. It was just so. So, so many, like, God touches that you're like, first of all, this is just nice to know that God exists, because sometimes you're like, is this really what we believe? Whatever. And there's weeks and stuff like that, through grief, where you're like, oh, and God says he's close to the brokenhearted. Like, he's not lying. Like, he literally is.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:03]:
And if. And sometimes you just. You have to look around, but you'll.
Christy Speers [00:13:07]:
You'll see it. Yeah. So, wow. For sure. What were you going to say?
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:10]:
Well, I was just gonna say, and I. I thought this on the way home, and I. I Don't know. Hopefully. This. I was just gonna say it because I just think. I just. This.
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:20]:
This to me is really cool. But being at your house the night after the dnc, it kind of reminded me of. I walked home and I thought that kind of reminded me of, like, what we would be doing. Had the baby.
Christy Speers [00:13:34]:
Yeah, like, it was.
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:35]:
Had the baby come home.
Christy Speers [00:13:36]:
Like, it was.
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:36]:
It was one of those moments where, like, you're all sitting around and there's like, crumble cookies and people brought gifts and there's dinner, and it's like, you know, obviously that. That was a moment of a lot of sorrow mixed with a lot of joy, but it was like. Yeah. Through your whole story, there never seems like there was a moment where God wasn't near to you or that. Or that you felt like God was absent. And one of the cool things that I don't. That our listeners probably don't know is I just pulled up on my notes app the weekend before this happened. So literally just one Sunday before you found out that you had lost the baby, you're preaching at one of our Bayside campuses, and you literally talk about suffering.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:20]:
Like, you talk about what it's like to go through hard stuff. And I'm looking at my notes, and it's like, let God develop your character. Hard times, obscurity, adversity. You said life is lived forward but understood backwards in adverse seasons. Like, God strips you of the things you're trying to find significance in. He wants you to find significance in himself because it's the only place that would truly provide that. And you said, the steps to tough times, stay faithful and watch God work. Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:47]:
And what I think is so special about that is we watched you preach that. Knowing you, you live that at all times, and then a week later, you're going through something unimaginably hard. And your character and your faith in God did not waver once through that. And that's because that is. That is who you are in all seasons, not just in the good seasons. Right. Like, you don't love God because of what he gives you. You love God because you love God and you walk with God because you're faithful.
Morgan May Treuil [00:15:18]:
And it's like suffering and hardship, that tends to be a guarantee of life. It's not like an if thing. It's a when thing. I mean, when you guys were getting married, you told us that the thing that made you choose the other person is like, you choose the person who you're going to suffer best with, because life is lots of suffering. And I. I just. I'm blown away looking back and thinking, like, this is the person that you are, is someone who is faithful in suffering and watches God work, and God is always so near to you, and like, a week later, you're going through something so hard, and your character was unchanged through that. And I just feel like that's a testament to how you walk with God in every season of your life, not just in the up moments.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:01]:
Right. So, I don't know, I just feel like watching you guys walk through this has been such a huge lesson in faith. And I'm so thankful that you guys have chosen to be public about this and talk freely about it, because I think it's. I know it's already helped so many people. I don't know if that was hard. I know you said it's cathartic, but to bring other people into this suffering.
Christy Speers [00:16:22]:
Yeah, absolutely. I feel like it. It's hard and good at the same time, which I think is just like this whole season wrapped up in one. It's like, it's hard and it's good. It's horrible. And there's peace and there's this. And there's this, like, it's a very layered thing. And, like, I previously thought it was not like, oh, it's just only going to be hard and then it'll eventually get better.
Christy Speers [00:16:46]:
It's like, it's really hard. And you also experience joy, and you also experience great gratitude, and you also experience this, like, deep acceptance of, like, wow, like, this did happen. And, like, if I just stop trying to control everything, like, you do find some rest when you do just, like, slowly pry your fingers off of, like, what you thought was going to happen. And I think that that is when you start to really see how God walks alongside you in suffering. He's did not rescue me out of it.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:19]:
He didn't. I didn't.
Christy Speers [00:17:20]:
I don't have one of those stories where it was like, oh, like, they couldn't find the heartbeat, but then they found it and like, wow, look, God's good. I'm like, no, God's still good.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:29]:
No matter.
Christy Speers [00:17:29]:
God's still good. Even if I lose my baby, God's still good. Even if I don't get this, God's still good. If, if, if, if, if. And I think that's where, like, our faith genuinely has to come to. We have to figure out a way. We have to figure out a way. Because I think it can be really easy to live in the, like, modern Christian, like, oh, like, God's Good.
Christy Speers [00:17:51]:
Because look at all he does for me. Or like, God's good because of this. God's good because of this. And I'm like, okay, God's. I always just think of, like, God, if God is good because of this, what happens when that doesn't happen anymore? Like, you have to figure out, like, do I still trust him if he will deliver sorrow to me? And it's like, I have to decide.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:15]:
Do I?
Christy Speers [00:18:16]:
And that's, like, a continual question. And I. But I think that there's a lot of. There's actually a lot of, like, peace that comes from just being, like, whatever you want. Yeah. And like, that is just what we have to roll with.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:30]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:18:30]:
Because we can't control it. We don't get any other option.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:33]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:33]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:34]:
I think it's cool to look back, like, what Morgan was saying about some of the things that were kind of lined up. Like, even. Even Christy preaching that sermon. It's not like, Christy, you don't.
Christy Speers [00:18:43]:
That was your first time by yourself. I'd never done that.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:46]:
And we just was so dumb because it was like.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:49]:
It was so good. It was so epically good. And you're just like, that.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:55]:
You could not tell. You could not tell.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:57]:
No, Christy. It was like, professionally. Sorry, not the point. Professionally done. And she like, it's. Yeah, it was a professional sermon.
Christy Speers [00:19:05]:
It was literally a sermon.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:07]:
But it was. It's so interesting to think back now. And, like, I guess I encourage anybody if you're. If you're going through anything hard, too, to, like, start writing down things you see God do. Because even thinking about this, I'm like, oh, I'm glad we're talking about this on this episode, because it reminds me of things. But, like, you preaching that sermon was like, Brandon, who is the pastor at Folsom, like, what was that six months ago, A year ago almost? He was like, I was on a walk, and I just felt like God said, ask Christy to preach at Folsom. Which is not. Like, this kind of stuff doesn't happen to all of us all the time.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:43]:
And the fact that he was like, okay, I'll listen to, like, what God's saying. And I agree. I think she would do awesome, even though she's never done this before. And it's not like, at our churches, people just preach who have never done it before. But it was, like, this awesome opportunity. And so then. And even you were like, I'm not, like, excited to do this.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:02]:
At first it was, like, scary because.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:03]:
You'Re like, this is terrifying. But the fact that, like, Brannon thought to ask you that and God was like, ask her to do this. And then it got to like a month before or something and they changed the sermon topic.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:15]:
I was just gonna say that.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:17]:
Literally supposed to be something else. And then now it's like on, like, sorrow and suffering. And I remember you being like, oh, like, I don't. Yeah, like, I kind of had like a whole thing with this other one. But, yeah, I'll jump on board. Like, that's great. And so it's just funny. Like, God's like so many a million steps ahead of us on what happens.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:37]:
And it's like he's preparing you when you don't know you're being prepared.
Christy Speers [00:20:42]:
100.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:42]:
And then it's like you go through this. And I just feel like I. I was bragging on you guys the other day because we were talking to. I think we were like at a campus pastors meeting or something. And this is after you guys had posted on Instagram and all that. And I said I was like, it's really cool to watch two people go through something really, really hard. But they. But like, they've spent time in God's word, they've spent time with God, they've spent time together with God, like, where I'm, like, where they're at now, even though it's so hard and the grief is very real.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:21]:
And there's days where it's ups and there's days when it's downs. But, like, the difference to see in somebody who has been walking with God going through hardship, I just feel like is very different from someone who's not. And I feel like it inspires me to go like, okay, when things are good in life and you don't feel like you're going through a grieving season, sometimes you think like, oh, I'm going to relax on my time with God, or I'm going to relax on.
Christy Speers [00:21:49]:
I can depend on myself. Yeah, I can.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:51]:
I can depend on myself. But it's like I've watched you guys both, and especially even Joey, Like, I think a lot of times with guys, for some reason, I'm not saying this is all guys, but it's just like sometimes harder for them to be like, oh, I'm in my word every day and I'm praying, whatever. But Joey, like, made that commitment, like, what was it, 300 something days ago or something?
Christy Speers [00:22:11]:
No, like three years ago. Three years ago.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:12]:
Like, he felt like God was like, you need to be in your, like, a chapter every single day. And to me, I'm like, the discipline that. That shows and how he's walking through this now.
Christy Speers [00:22:22]:
So different.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:23]:
Like, so different. And so, to me, I'm like. I'm so inspired by, like, your guys's walk with God. Not that it's always been perfect or, like, you've done everything right, but to me, I'm like, it goes to show when you put in the work. Like, when hard times hit, it's like your ground is not like sinking sand. Like, it's not. It's not. It's a ground that's, like, firm, and you still feel the grief just as hard.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:49]:
But, like, you're. I think your. Your hope and your trust in God didn't waver as much because you have had that.
Christy Speers [00:22:56]:
Yeah, you both have had that. Well, and it all is just, like, it literally all. All it shows is just how good God really is. Like, it really just does show. Like, I think we. We sometimes want to run away from God because we try to control things or we want to, like, run away just because we're distracted and we think other things feel more important or whatever. And, like, I live in that all the time. Like, there's times where I'm like, oh, I'm feeling really good.
Christy Speers [00:23:18]:
I'm, like, way less attuned to, like, the spirit of God and, like, what he's doing in my life or the lives around me. And there you get kind of carried away in that way. But then it really does feel like, wow, like, when tough times do really hit, like, you do have to call to mind ways to have hope, you know? Like, you do have to call to mind things, and you can do that in the midst of your suffering, for sure. But, yeah, absolutely. It's like, if you can remind yourself how good God is and if you can, like, get to know him in the good times, that will 100% help carry you in the hard times. Like, yeah, you already know Him. So it's not like I'm getting to know God in the midst of my suffering. It's like, oh, I've.
Christy Speers [00:23:58]:
I already know Him. And, like, we're just getting to even go to deeper levels in my suffering.
Morgan May Treuil [00:24:02]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:24:03]:
And yeah. Yeah, it was so interesting speaking the week before on that. I feel like I had a couple people, like, in the year prior, like, kind of speak over me and tell me, like, God's gonna. God's gonna use your pain to help others. And I was like, oh. I was like, thinking that was just more like, oh, the anxiety I was going through last year. And, like, some of those pains and like, things that I felt like, were really hard. But I did feel like as soon as everything happened with finding out that we miscarried, I was like, I felt very strong in my heart that God was like, I want you to talk about this and, like, I want you to be open about this.
Christy Speers [00:24:41]:
And I think that is also for me. Like, I think that it has also been a massive blessing for me because people just come out of the woodworks, like, sharing and, you know, it is really cool how we start when we do share. And this is where I would probably, if I was like, speaking to someone who has gone through a miscarriage or who has gone through a loss or maybe any type of grief or like infertility or things like that, I would say, don't isolate yourself. There was a girl that told me it was the day after we found out it was a girl that I did not even know I had met one time. But my friend who had had a miscarriage, I was asking her, like, hey, like, did you have a dnc, Whatever? She's like, no, but my friend did. And if you feel comfortable, like, can I give her your number and she can send you a text? She sends me a text literally the day after. And I'm like, oh, this is going to be great. We're going to be able to talk about dnc, whatever her experience.
Christy Speers [00:25:32]:
And she calls me that night. It's like 11 o'. Clock. And when you're in the midst of grief, sometimes it's just like, you're just on the phone with someone you don't even know and you're talking about the deepest things possible, but it feels right for some reason. And we're talking and we're chatting and we're talking through everything. She's helping me feel much more confident about my decision, everything like that. And she was so soft. Like, she was like, do what feels right for you.
Christy Speers [00:25:54]:
Like, if you just need to, like, take a nap, if you need to watch a show, if you need to be with people, if you need to cry, just do it. She goes, but don't isolate yourself. And it was like, very strong. It was like, don't isolate yourself. And I was like, okay, I won't. Like, okay, yeah. Like, okay, let's do this then. And that was a hands down.
Christy Speers [00:26:14]:
The only way I feel like I've been able to get through this is because we've had support, support. And if we had kept this to ourselves and we were like, oh, it's just our privacy and whatever. And I'm not saying you need to share it with the world. I'm not saying you have to share this with the people that you know aren't safe people, because then that is not going to be healthy for you. But man, like, share this with people that will get it, that will provide a safe environment for you. They might not understand, but they can at least provide support. That is genuinely the only way we've got through this 100%. So I would just like say to anybody, if you're going through anything hard, don't isolate yourself and be open with other people.
Christy Speers [00:26:50]:
And you'll find, you'll find a lot, a lot of healing in that.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:53]:
Tell, tell them about when you guys did like the little celebration of life.
Christy Speers [00:26:58]:
Cuz I think that was so special.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:00]:
And yeah, I love that you did that.
Christy Speers [00:27:02]:
I was like so nervous to do that. So it was. How long was that? Like a week after the dnc, I think.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:08]:
I think it was pretty. It was Sunday.
Christy Speers [00:27:10]:
Oh yeah. So one week. One week after you found out? Joey. Joey had told me, like, hey, I would really like to do a celebration of life. Like, his parents had flown in and he's like, I would love to do a celebration of life. And I was nervous because I was like, well, okay, we both really value this baby. And I know, like our family does and like, I know our friends do, but like, I still feel like, kind of weird. Like, is this like too much? Like, am I being too dramatic? Like, having a celebration of life, like, are people just going to be like, gosh, these people are so dumb.
Christy Speers [00:27:42]:
Like, whatever. And I remember being so nervous and literally that whole day I was so nervous leading up to it and we just had, we just invited some like very close friends and family over and we ended up doing a little celebration of life for her. And it was so special. We got to basically sit in front of our family and friends, people that again, were safe, people who knew us and loved us. And we got to, I like, read out of the journal that I wrote her. We like had her like ultrasound out with like all the like toys and cute clothes and everything like that that people had gotten and basically got to share our whole story and got to share everything about her. Joey then named her and we like, he gave me this like, sweet necklace and like, it was just the most, like, beautiful. Like, it was like I was so worked up and nervous before and then as soon as it started happening and we actually shared it was like, oh my gosh, I just feel so supported.
Christy Speers [00:28:41]:
Like I feel so loved. All of our friends had written, like, handwritten notes to our baby and had given those to us, and it was, like, the most special day. It was so hard. It was so, so hard. But it was also such a special way, and we felt, like, so honored that, like, people came and showed up and just loved us through that, which was so cool. And I would just. Yeah. Like, I would just encourage anyone, like, if you go through something like this, like, take the time to do the stuff that you won't regret in a year or 10 years or whatever, like, actually do the things.
Christy Speers [00:29:12]:
Like, if you want to have a celebration of life, like, if you want to take photos, if you want to memorialize them in some way, like, do it. Like, there is no shame. There's no. Like.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:22]:
Like, this is a big deal.
Christy Speers [00:29:23]:
Like, this is a big deal. That was, like, a life that is your baby. And that was a really special thing that we got to do. And I felt. Yeah. So unbelievably supported. That was really, really cool. Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:29:34]:
Wow.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:35]:
It's so special.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:36]:
I, like, you talk a little bit about the grief not being linear.
Christy Speers [00:29:44]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:44]:
Like, how.
Christy Speers [00:29:44]:
How have you felt about that?
Leslie Johnston [00:29:46]:
Where it's like, it's not necessarily like, oh, the day. The day I found out it was the worst, and then it's just gotten easier and easier and easier. Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:29:54]:
Because I think people will resonate with that for sure. I feel like. Yeah, I absolutely thought it was just like, this instant little upward trajectory, and as soon as you start going up, you're like, well, I can't go back to the lower part. Right. So, like, I just have hope that it's just going to get better and better and better and easier and easier, and time heals all wounds and et cetera, et cetera. And I felt like it. I was on a linear track for a little while. Like, I actually kind of was.
Christy Speers [00:30:18]:
Like, I'd have little ups and little downs. And then it was probably, like, maybe two weeks ago. I was like, at a high of, like, wow. It feels like we're kind of through it. Like, I still feel sad. I still feel the loss. I still feel grief. But it feels like we're kind of through the worst and through just a couple random series of events.
Christy Speers [00:30:39]:
All of a sudden, it was like I was plummeted right back down. And that was actually was in some ways difficult in other ways, because I was, like, anticipating that I was gonna feel really good here on out. And I had a really hard week, and I just felt like, man, like, I'M like, almost disappointed in myself. Like, I was like, I thought I was already through this. I thought I had managed this. And, like, why am I so sad this week? Like, what is this? And it was really sweet. We were talking to my therapist yesterday about it because this week's been a little bit better. And I'm like, oh, I'm just, like, nervous, like, am I gonna have another down week? Am I gonna this? And she's like, she's.
Christy Speers [00:31:20]:
We talked about a bunch of stuff, but we definitely talked about how grief is not a linear process. And in fact, it's oftentimes. And, like, we were talking about this. It feels like you're on a road and you're on a journey, and you're kind of going through some valleys and you kind of go through some ups and different things like that, but you will hit a pothole occasionally where you will actually have to pull over and fix your tire or whatever it is. Fix what's broken or not even fix, but attend and give tension to. And we were talking about how it's like, expectations can really mess you up. And, like, expectations of, like, I will always feel great or I'm gonna be so much better or this isn't gonna bother me anymore, or this thing's not gonna make me sad. And she's like, man, you, like, you gotta, like, honor your grief in some ways.
Christy Speers [00:32:04]:
And, like, you are going to have ups and you're going to have downs, but neither one's going to last forever, so you might as well just ride it out. And I'm like, okay, that actually helps so much to know. Like, if you can just ride it out, you will get to the other side.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:18]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:18]:
Every single time. Yeah, I think it was. I think it either we were texting or voice memoing about it or something. And you said that, and it was really encouraging because I think we're scared of getting stuck. Like, we, Leslie and I on this podcast, talk often. Like, oh, no, if I feel one way that I'm always going to feel this way, like, I'm stuck permanently in this.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:37]:
Right.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:38]:
And I think you. You said it either over text or voice memo, that it's like, okay, just because you go not. It's not backwards. Right.
Christy Speers [00:32:45]:
It's.
Morgan May Treuil [00:32:45]:
It's always going forward, but it's not going to be necessarily forwards up the entire time. It's going to go up and down. Yeah. And partially. I feel like if we were to. If we were to zoom out, it's like, actually it's encouraging that it means that much to you still, like, this is, this is a life. This is your baby. It, it actually doesn't make any sense for you to like, always be up from here.
Morgan May Treuil [00:33:08]:
Right. Like, because the loss is a loss. Right. But it's like to know just because one day is more sad than the next day, that doesn't mean that the more sad is the permanent feeling like you get. And I think that's what, that's what makes people skip over grief in the way that you enjoy did it because, because lots of people, they wouldn't come home and they wouldn't pull out all of their baby stuff. Maybe they'd like pack it away or they drown themselves in, you know, a TV show or whatever. The thing is to like, I need to move on from that. I can't, I can't deal with it.
Christy Speers [00:33:41]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:33:41]:
That's the thing that I think freaks people out is like, well, if I go into that, if I wade into that kind of grief, I'm going to get stuck there and I can't move on. I'm never coming out. And that's the thing that scares people. But your story that you've just talked about is, is testament to the fact that that's not actually true. It's up and it's down and it's out and it's in and it's all of those things. And that can change. And I think a lot of, a lot of. I don't know if you've experienced this, but I think a lot of like, the, the grief that you actually process tends to be delayed sometimes because time actually like shifts perspective on things.
Morgan May Treuil [00:34:16]:
Right? Yeah. So it's like, you kind of have to expect that, that it's not like, hey, once you're out, you're out. It's like, no, there's actually going back in because yeah, that's what grief does. And it's how you process things.
Christy Speers [00:34:28]:
For sure. I even have had multiple conversations, like, with like my mom. I've talked to another couple people who are in their like 50s plus who have had kids but who have also experienced miscarriage. And they have told me like, I have like bawled my eyes out when I heard you miscarried one because I'm sad for you, but also because there's like pent up grief that I haven't, I actually haven't addressed or that just came back up because, yeah, even though it's been 30 years, like, it still gets brought back up. And it's because it's a grief that does it's never going to leave. Like, it's never going to leave you. But you can become friends with your grief. Like, I think that's been a lot of my last year and specifically of the last month is like, how do you become friends with sorrow and suffering? Like, how do you stop trying to resist them all the time and instead just go like, okay, some of these emotions, some of these things, they're actually trying to lead me to health.
Christy Speers [00:35:24]:
They're trying to show me what's important to me. They're trying to show me the way through the valley of grief. And if I just try to resist and go, like, well, where's Joy and where's Hope? Like, where's she? And instead walk with sorrow and suffering and you just stop resisting. Like, it really. It felt like that carried me through in a lot of ways. But I really think, like, yeah, I just can't get over, like, the amount of, like, support and how important support is in order to be able to wade into grief. Like, because there are times if I was to wait into grief by myself, I wouldn't come out.
Morgan May Treuil [00:35:56]:
I'd be like, all right, you guys.
Christy Speers [00:35:58]:
In 10 years, like, I'm just going to be in this dark hole of sadness. But, yeah, people walking through it with you. And I think that's also something I want to say to people who are experiencing this. People want to show up for you. Like, sometimes it can be easy to be like, I don't want to be a law. I don't want to ask for too much. It feels uncomfortable to be vulnerable. And, like, it just feels weird.
Christy Speers [00:36:22]:
I don't, like, whatever it is, like, I don't want to be too much. I kind of threw that out the window in a lot of ways and was just like, I'm just going to be so open with my friends about how I feel. And, like, I'm just. I remember it was even maybe like, three days after the dnc, and I had noticed in myself that I was responding better to crisis than I was to, like, low emotion sadness. And I was like, okay, through all the, like, crisis of everything, I felt like I was actually responding quite well. But then as soon as it felt like things started to go back to normal, but I wasn't normal. That freaked me out. And I remember feeling like, this is kind of, like a complicated, weird emotion.
Christy Speers [00:36:58]:
Maybe I should just keep this to myself or just, like, tell one friend or something. And I was like, no, I'm going to, like, I'm just going to be open. I remember texting all the girls in our small group, and just literally sending, like, a long paragraph about how I was feeling and what my fears were and asking for prayer. And it was like, everyone shows up, and I'm like, if people want to show up for you, let them show up for you. Like, if people text you and go, like, hey, like, can I get you anything? If you have something that would help, tell them, like, they want to show up for you. So, like, be open. Be honest. Say the things that feel like, too much or feel, like, scary, because people tend to actually respond really, really well to other people being vulnerable, and it actually makes them feel really special that you opened up to them so totally.
Christy Speers [00:37:43]:
I would say, like, people want to show up for other people, so just, like, do it. It's so, like, worth it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:37:49]:
Friendships don't get more shallow after crisis. They always get deeper. Always. Especially with vulnerability. Right. And. And two, like, I think what. What was so awesome about the way that you handled that is you letting us into some of the things you were feeling, even if they were things that you hadn't made sense of yet.
Christy Speers [00:38:08]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:38:09]:
You're helping everybody grow and experience God and, like, learn about how to navigate grief through your experience. Like, I. I think I was telling my mom. I'm like, I feel like we've become prayers recently. Like, I feel like all we do is pray. And. And I love that. Like, I feel like we've reached.
Morgan May Treuil [00:38:28]:
We've gotten the chance to reach new depths as a group of people because of the. And I think a lot of that, Christy, is contributed to how you have led us in your own suffering, which seems backwards. It seems like we should be helping to lead you. Like, we should be initiating, you know, sharing and prayer. But I feel like, yeah, like, in true Christy fashion, it's like you're going through something that is so incredibly hard, and you're leading the rest of us in how to experience and find God in.
Christy Speers [00:38:58]:
In it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:38:58]:
And, yeah, we're all better and richer because of it. On the other side. So what you said about, like, not isolating, including people in it, there's nothing too vulnerable. That is so true. But I would imagine in your grief, the enemy. Or maybe just, like, comparison or. Or, like, insecurity makes you think the opposite. I need to hold up because, yeah, no one's gonna understand this.
Morgan May Treuil [00:39:20]:
And it just feels too raw and too real to share this yet. You know, that's the thoughts we have to fight against. I think that's. Yeah, it's just you've done such a Beautiful job with this.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:31]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:39:31]:
Such a beautiful job.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:33]:
I think, too. Like, you even in Scripture, Like, I feel like during this season, having, like, our physical Bibles has been such, like, a game change. Like, I remember bring it to the hospital when you had your dnc and I was flipping through, and I was like, man, like, it's so crazy. Like, verses just kept popping out on the page of, like, oh, my gosh. Like, I highlighted this in, like, 2016 or, like, versus 2016, or, like, I think one was, like, 2015 at this summer camp that we used to go to. And it was like, I highlighted it, and it's, like, just was blowing my mind. Like, God is so outside of time. Like, what.
Leslie Johnston [00:40:16]:
When I highlighted. I probably needed it then, but God's like, I'm gonna have you highlight this now because 10 years from now, like, your sister is gonna need this verse, and you're gonna text it to her. And it was like, yeah, just the craziest. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, the Bible that we have is literally like God's word speaking to us if we open it. And like, having even just like, that physical Bible that you can underline and write in and whatever. It was like, it felt like every page I was turning was, like, verses popping out. And it was like, God, like, wants you to use that to encourage people, too.
Leslie Johnston [00:40:49]:
So I just. That, like, letting God speak to you through his Word, I think has been a really cool, powerful thing. During this whole thing.
Morgan May Treuil [00:40:59]:
I think you used the phrase call to mind, but that. That, I think needs to be printed on something. Or like, I wrote that down because I was like, oh, because it has to be that, right?
Christy Speers [00:41:10]:
Like, when David.
Morgan May Treuil [00:41:11]:
When David was shouting out attributes of God to God in his suffering, when he was in the cave running for his life, he wasn't saying those things because he felt those things about God. He was saying them because he was calling them to mind in remembrance and trying to, like, reconvince himself that God was those things. And I feel like that's probably true of grief and like, you saying, Leslie, that's why we have our physical Bibles, because it's calling to mind. Not necessarily always welling up from your heart because there may be times when you're like, I actually don't. Actually don't trust God right now because my circumstances are making it hard. But I know that God is trustworthy because I have my physical Bible right here. Physical because it is unchanged by my emotions or my circumstances. So it must be separate from me.
Morgan May Treuil [00:41:59]:
Yeah, it's Physical so that I can, I can read it and sit in it and meditate on it, even when I don't feel the things that, that it's saying. So I, I, that's probably a secret to grief that people don't use as much as they should.
Christy Speers [00:42:11]:
Literally, the verse Leslie had texted me that she's talking about, and it says CBS, like, night. I don't even know what it says. CBS 1020, 2010, 2010. She literally texted me and I made it my background of my phone during that time. But it was yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed. For his conscience. Compassions never fail.
Christy Speers [00:42:33]:
They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness so good. And I'm like, you do cling to verses like lifelines in stuff like this, where it's like. And Les is absolutely right. Like, sharing those things like that, like, helps keep people afloat who are in hard times. And, like, people like, just showing up like that and showing up with scripture, like, it's so much stronger than we are, and it's the best. It's when you can't say anything. Yes.
Christy Speers [00:43:00]:
Like, the Bible can always speak to it, and it really is just so, so special. And like, one of the things, one of the verses that When I. The day I found out I was pregnant, this was the verse of the day. And again, I wasn't thinking I was pregnant, anything like that. And I was like, wow, this verse is literally, like, speaking exactly to my scenario right now. But it's interesting because I feel like I read it in a very different light now. But it's 2 Corinthians 4, 18. This is the message version.
Christy Speers [00:43:28]:
So don't get mad.
Leslie Johnston [00:43:29]:
Don't come at us.
Christy Speers [00:43:30]:
Don't come at me. But it said, so we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. And I would read that first part and I would go, oh, it's because I'm pregnant. Like, God, literally. This is a verse of the day on the day I found out I'm pregnant. This is insane. But the rest of it, I had also screenshotted and was also on the background of my phone.
Christy Speers [00:43:55]:
And I read it in a whole different light. Now. It goes on to say, these hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far More here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today. Oh, my gosh, it's going to make me cry. Here today and gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see See now will last forever.
Christy Speers [00:44:18]:
And I'm just like, wow, God's word is so crazy. Like, God's word is, like, the most powerful thing that will speak to you in some moments, but, like, it's so rich and so good that it will mean something to you. Completely different six months down the road or three months down the road or ten weeks down the road. And it's just such a beautiful. Like, I think I just feel so honored to have walked through grief with God because I'm like, I don't know how other people do it. Like, I don't know how people walk through grief without the hope. Not that he's going to give me what I want, but the hope that there is someone to carry my soul through the hard things in life. And I just, yeah, feel.
Christy Speers [00:44:57]:
Yeah, just really grateful for this whole season, even as hard as it's been, But God really has been the true one to like, hold me up and to hold everyone else up. Like, there's grief for everyone in this circumstance that's close to us, and it's been like, a real privilege to watch God show up for everybody, which is really cool.
Morgan May Treuil [00:45:16]:
Yeah. Oh, my gosh.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:17]:
Yeah. Really good.
Morgan May Treuil [00:45:19]:
Wow.
Christy Speers [00:45:20]:
We almost made it without crying.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:22]:
We almost made it.
Christy Speers [00:45:23]:
Almost did it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:45:25]:
Well, thank you, Christy, for sharing all of that.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:28]:
Yeah, I think that's probably really help. I think it's helpful for everybody, those who have walked through it and feel like, oh, I finally feel like someone understands what it felt like, or whether they're walking through infertility or whatever it is, and. But also helpful for those who are like, I haven't walked through it or I will walk through it. Like, I know there's even people who you've talked to who are like, oh, my gosh. Like, I just.
Christy Speers [00:45:52]:
I literally just walked through this.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:53]:
And so, yeah, I think the power of, like, I think God doesn't. He doesn't waste anything. Thing in our lives. Like, whether you choose to share something or not, it's like, when you do share or when you do choose to share it, it's like God just uses that in so many different ways. And so I think although that doesn't take the grief away of what happened, it definitely does give some, like, you know, meaning and.
Christy Speers [00:46:20]:
Absolutely. Yeah, that's so true.
Morgan May Treuil [00:46:22]:
So good.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:23]:
Yeah. So thanks for coming on the podcast. Christy, thanks for opening.
Christy Speers [00:46:27]:
Thanks for having me. And if anyone. If anyone is listening and you're like, I'm walking through this, but I don't have anyone to talk to you about this or I have questions about it.
Morgan May Treuil [00:46:34]:
Like, I've. I will.
Christy Speers [00:46:35]:
Would be happy to chat or anything like that, or just send a voice note or even just send a message or whatever. So if you want to.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:41]:
So her phone number is.
Christy Speers [00:46:42]:
My phone number is just DM her on Instagram. Yeah. Christy J. Spears. I also have, like, I literally. I made a note in my phone that I. Christy L. It's Christy J.
Christy Speers [00:46:52]:
Spears. Okay. Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:46:54]:
I don't know why I took my.
Christy Speers [00:46:55]:
I took my last name instead of a building.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:57]:
That's right.
Morgan May Treuil [00:46:57]:
Okay.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:58]:
I was like, I don't think that you're.
Morgan May Treuil [00:47:00]:
Like, your middle name is not J.
Christy Speers [00:47:02]:
It'S L. But I made a little note on my phone during the midst of everything, and it's just a. Like how to survive a miscarriage. And it's like physical and emotional.
Morgan May Treuil [00:47:12]:
Good.
Christy Speers [00:47:13]:
Christy. I can send that to anyone if they want it. But yeah, so feel free to send.
Morgan May Treuil [00:47:17]:
Me a message that should be a guide or a book or a. Something, because to be honest with you, I have never heard anybody talk about this. Like, obviously, being your friend, I got to hear it, but I've never heard anybody speak to this how you've spoken to it publicly. And I feel like this is a game changer for. For people. Like, so thank you for this because this is. This is hard obedience. But like the fruit, like, it's like you just said, right? God's redemptive power is that he would be able to bring something good out of human suffering.
Morgan May Treuil [00:47:50]:
And you are. You are a testament to that.
Christy Speers [00:47:54]:
Thanks, guys.
Morgan May Treuil [00:47:55]:
We love you, Christy.
Christy Speers [00:47:56]:
I love you. Or I love you. Joey loves you guys too.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:00]:
And we love Joey and we are so thankful for how Joey has walked through this too. He didn't get to come on the podcast, but choose.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:07]:
Choose wisely who you marry. You guys.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:09]:
Amen.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:10]:
Like, literally walking through this, I kept telling Christy over and over, I'm like, I'm so glad you chose Joey because.
Christy Speers [00:48:16]:
Yeah, me too.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:17]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:48:18]:
So love to be.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:19]:
And that Joey chose a whole other episode.
Christy Speers [00:48:21]:
Yeah, exactly.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:22]:
It's like that you both chose each other.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:24]:
It matters. Like, you should be thinking about that right now. Where whoever you're.
Christy Speers [00:48:28]:
You're dating. Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:29]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:29]:
Cuz life is not easy.
Christy Speers [00:48:31]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:31]:
It's like, are they going to walk you through grief?
Christy Speers [00:48:33]:
Well, yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:48:34]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:35]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:48:35]:
That's a great question.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:36]:
That's so good.
Christy Speers [00:48:37]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:38]:
Well, thanks for listening, everybody, and we will see you next time.
Christy Speers [00:48:42]:
Thanks, everybody.