Leslie Johnston [00:00:00]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Am I Doing this Right? Happy Monday. If you're watching this on Monday, we are in part two of Healthy Friendships between Guys and Girls. Last week we talked a bunch about, you know, being single and what friendships look like, how to set yourself up for good friendships for the future. And this episode, we're going to dive even deeper into what it looks like to be even married and having friendships of the opposite sex and so much more with Jake Messner. So let's dive right in.
Morgan May Treuil [00:00:29]:
It changes per your season. Like, we were with your parents, all three of us are with your parents in the desert and we were talking like marriage stuff and relationship stuff. And when you're married, it's like if the significant or if you're, if your spouse is uncomfortable with any kind of relationship, it's like immediate, like, all right, then. No, no, more like that's done. Right? And it's, I think that, you know, that's, that's the hard part about a situation like this. It's like you're just starting to date this girl. You have this really, well, this hypothetical girl and you have this really well formed community of people. So for her to enter in and have a problem, it's like part of you wants to have healthy enough boundaries over here to where you'd be willing to, you know, have a conversation with her to hear her out.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:14]:
At the same time, you already have this, like, really well formed friend group, which I think, which I think should be inspiration to all of us to evaluate your friendships whether you're a guy or a girl. If you've got a good group of friends that have a mixture of guys and girls, I think it's smart now to evaluate all of those friendships and be like, do all of these have healthy boundaries in place so that when a significant other does enter in my life, they don't even have cause to question any of these friendships.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:44]:
That's a great question.
Morgan May Treuil [00:01:45]:
Like, and I think that has to start now because the last thing you want is for someone to enter in and they're awesome. Like, they're perfect in every way except for they have a problem with one of the people in your group. Group. Now, if they enter in and like we talked about, they have a hard time getting along with your community, then that's a question of like, is this the kind of person I want to be with? Because I want to be with somebody who is a girl's girl.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:07]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:08]:
If a girl you're bringing into your friend group or if a guy you're bringing into your friend group has a problem being friends with other guys or other girls generally. That's a question mark for me.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:18]:
Yeah, right.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:19]:
Like, I want to be with somebody who can integrate into my community. Because you can't splice yourself up into different categories. You can't be this friend over here, this spouse over here, this person in work. Like, your life needs to be a seamless whole.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:35]:
Right.
Morgan May Treuil [00:02:35]:
So you can't splice yourself up. And with that, I would say, like, does the person mesh well into your friend group? 100% now, because we have a really, you know, large group of people that we spend time with, and it's a mixture. What's funny about this group, and this is kind of a cool case study for what we're talking about, is that most of us were single when we all started hanging out. Single as in, like, not married?
Leslie Johnston [00:03:00]:
Not married. Yeah, most.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:02]:
Most of us were single. There was one married couple, maybe two married couples that were in the group at the genesis of it. And then as we've been friends, certain, like, more people have gotten married, more people have gotten engaged. But now it's this big melting pot of, like, married people, engaged people, dating people, single people, which is a lot of life stages to mesh. Right. But we were all friends before that. And so I forgot where I was going with this. Anyways, sounded great.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:33]:
That was. Well, that was a case study. Oh, a case study. I think it's a good. I think it's a good case study for that. Because with that, it can be very intense, intimidating for one of the single people to bring in a new significant other into a very well established group. So it doesn't surprise me that some girls or some guys show up to the friend group and they're like, I feel really intimidated by this. I have a problem with this.
Morgan May Treuil [00:03:59]:
I've got a problem with this. Because you already have such a cool, well formed thing going. So I don't really know what the action step to that would be, other than you want to find somebody who can be friends with people that you're friends with. But you also want to do everything in your power to make sure that your friendships are healthy so that when you bring somebody in.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:17]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:04:17]:
They don't have any reason to have problems with it.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:19]:
Yes. And I think there's a balance too, because I've been that crazy girl that's been like, I don't like, why are you following girls on Instagram? Like, I was never. I was never the type that was like, you need to unfollow all these girls, I was never that girl. But I was like, I would be so. But that was, like, past experiences that made me feel that way.
Jake Messner [00:04:37]:
Have you ever told a guy he's got to cut off a friendship?
Leslie Johnston [00:04:39]:
Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:04:40]:
Have you ever dated a guy and told him, I want you to stop being friends with this person?
Leslie Johnston [00:04:43]:
I don't know if I said stop being friends totally, but I was like, I feel weird about this girl because sometimes girls on the one hand have that, like, girlfriend intuition.
Jake Messner [00:04:53]:
She's into you, you gotta cut it.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:55]:
And the guy has no idea. It's like, I see the way she interacts with you. I'm not blind. Like, this is so obvious. And if you talk to your boyfriend and you say something about that. Well, especially husband, but I would say even a boyfriend. And they go, you're crazy. You just have to like, why don't you trust me? Like, if they make it more, like, on you, on you, like, what's your problem? Like, and if you've taken stock in yourself to be like, this is not just coming out of insecurity, it's actually coming out of wisdom, then I would say that guy's kind of a red flag.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:24]:
Guys should be like, I want to make you feel as comfortable as possible with my friendships if I'm going to have girl friendships. But at the same time, I think girls need to sometimes take a step back and go, am I just jealous? Like, am I just jealous that he has other friends besides me?
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:43]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:43]:
Because sometimes we want to be somebody's everything. And you can't, like, you can't be every single thing to one person.
Morgan May Treuil [00:05:51]:
Yeah. I think the way that you are in singleness is the way that you are in marriage. Hear me out. So obviously your relationship status changes, but the boundaries that you build in your singleness towards people of the opposite sex are going to be the boundaries that you should uphold in your marriage eventually. So I think if a girl or a guy enters into your life and they're experiencing intimidation or jealousy surrounding the way that you're doing friendships, that's something that he or she is probably clocking and being like, can I trust this person? Right. Like, the way that they date you is. Is how they're developing trust for you in the future. So I just feel like when it comes to relationships with people of the opposite sex, the more that you can take care of those and make them healthy, like, you're.
Morgan May Treuil [00:06:43]:
And maybe. Maybe the. The conversation we need to have now is like, what does that look like? Right. I think One thing is no hanging out one on one with people of the opposite sex. Even if you're both single. Like, maybe, maybe a boundary that you put up for yourself is, I only hang out with people of the opposite sex one on one when I'm pursuing a dating relationship with them.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:05]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:06]:
Like if that's, if that's a place I'm willing to go with them, that is, that is when I would choose to hang out with them one on one. And that's not to be like, prudish. Like, some people are probably listening to this and like, that's crazy because I hang out with guys one on one all the time. And it's totally fine. It's anyone's choice. Like, I'm not saying that it's, it's inherently sinful, but if you want to.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:24]:
Hang out with somebody, if you want to eventually date someone and marry someone and you can't keep up the lifestyle you're currently living, that's gonna be, that's gonna actually be tough on you later.
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:35]:
Yeah, I think it's a wisdom question. It's not a sin. It's not a right or wrong question. It's a wisdom question.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:39]:
It's like, do you wanna deal with this now or later?
Morgan May Treuil [00:07:42]:
Yes, or later. So maybe that's one boundary. One boundary is, you know, you don't hang out in one on one, you only hang out in groups. Second boundary is what are like the emotional boundaries that you're willing to cross. You know, like a good example of this would be we have a small group that is pretty close and we share prayer requests and life things. You know, like when the single guys go on dates with girls, the girls all come around to hear about it and give them, berate them. So it's like, you know, I think all of those things are good and fun. But it's like the day that we, you know, in our small group that we got together and we did like a strongholds confession conversation, we split into guys and girls groups and partially that's to encourage deeper sharing.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:28]:
But the other part of it is to protect emotional connection and spiritual intimacy.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:33]:
Right.
Morgan May Treuil [00:08:33]:
Which is a real thing. Like the, the thing I feel like we have to keep talking about is like the fallen nature of humankind. You are not exempt from it doesn't matter how good you are with God, how much you're reading your Bible, how much you feel thought full of the Holy Spirit, like you are not invincible. Yeah, that's like the, the moral of the life story. Look at Adam and Eve. Adam And Eve were in the garden, perfectly set up for success in all the ways, and they were not invincible. They only had each other, and they were not invincible. So it's like, if we.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:06]:
We can't treat life like we're invincible. Oh, other people can't handle this. I can handle this. Other people can't be guy girlfriends. I can be guy girlfriends. Like.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:14]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:15]:
That is the origin story of the fall. And so, whatever. If you feel like the choices you're making towards your guy and girl friendships are, like, prudish, because there's, like, so much boundaries involved. I'm like. I actually feel like that's wisdom.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:29]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:29]:
And it's treating yourself like, I'm not invincible. I'm capable of sin. I'm capable of catching feelings. I'm gonna protect myself.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:35]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:09:35]:
That kind of way.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:36]:
What. What boundaries do you feel like you put up spiritually or emotionally or whatever with girls that are just friends?
Jake Messner [00:09:47]:
Man, I don't know if there's.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:48]:
You're kind of an open book.
Jake Messner [00:09:49]:
Yeah, I'm an open book with everyone. But I would just say, like, that's part of it, is making sure whatever boundaries you're holding with most, you're holding with. With all. You know, there's. If I'm. If I'm. I don't know if I'm ever having a boundaries conversation, be like. Or even thoughts to myself of like, I'm not gonna do this with these girls, because that would be crossing a boundary.
Jake Messner [00:10:09]:
I just very much am who I am with everyone. And when I catch myself or notice myself maybe doing more, and it could be any, like, physical intimacy, social intimacy, spiritual intimacy with. With any one person, I would just be, like, quick to flag that in my mind of like, hey, you're. You know, that's. That's. You got to treat the one as you would treat everyone else. And if you start singling out one person and they're getting a wildly different version or more of any one of those three, like, social, spiritual, or physical intimacy, man. There's probably something going on, and you need to check your heart in that.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:46]:
Yeah. Yeah. That's smart.
Morgan May Treuil [00:10:48]:
Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:10:48]:
And just check your heart to. As in like, an analysis.
Morgan May Treuil [00:10:52]:
Analyze.
Jake Messner [00:10:52]:
Analyze. Thank you. Analyze, like, your feelings for that person.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:56]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:10:56]:
I think to jump over to the people listening who are in the marriage season of life, because this looks a little bit different. I think. I thought when marriage happened, your guy girl friendships just, like, all dissolve. Because that's kind of what I would have thought that the boundary conversation looked like. And I Think what's cool about marriage is that that's not necessarily true. It's true and it's not true. Right. It's like when you, when you jump into marriage, I think that's the point where all of your guy girl relationships that your spouse doesn't also hold, those relationships dissolve.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:32]:
Yes, right.
Jake Messner [00:11:33]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:11:34]:
But the relationships that you guys have together or the relationships that maybe one of you starts because of work or environments, and then the other person comes in on those relationships you still have, which I think is really cool. So, you know, it's, it's the simplicity of like the one flesh idea. Right. It's like we're one flesh now. We're one person, which means that the people that we're friends with, we're both friends with. And if we have a person in our life that one of us isn't friends with, then both of us are not really friends with them because it's those. It's like. And I think with, with Benji and I, we, we have a lot of conversations about this because we.
Morgan May Treuil [00:12:11]:
He travels for work and we spend some time like in different places. So we do what we can to make sure the other person feels like over informed and over involved in life. Right. So it's like, yeah, like as many times as we can hang out with people and we both are like fully caught up on a person, both fully invested in a person. And then it's like if it's, if it's guys and girls, it's like, the girl is my friend mostly and then is also friends with Benji. And then if it's a guy, the guy is mostly friends with Benji and then by proxy, they're also my friend. But it's like, I don't think that you need to like, sever off all relationships with the opposite sex because then you find yourself in a situation where it's just the two of you all the time and that's not healthy for you. Or you're like, we only have couple friends, but then sometimes you can't find couple friends that you vibe with.
Morgan May Treuil [00:13:04]:
So then it makes, it makes you feel like marriage is lonely. I don't think marriage has to be lonely or you have to sever your friendships. I think it's like we evaluate this and we're like, we are both friends with these people. And if there's anybody where we both don't feel like we're friends there, then we're not. But I think that's what's been. What's made it fun with our small Group and our friend group because we've got people in different, like, seasons, but we still have maintained all of those friendships because we're both friends with those people. So.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:33]:
Well, it feels like in marriage too, you have to check your own motives and your own heart when it, when it comes to the opposite sex friendships. Like, I think if you're ever feeling like, oh, man, this other person is giving me something that my spouse isn't giving me, that's where you go. I think I need to draw a line here. You know, like, if there's something that that other person is fulfilling that your spouse isn't, I feel like you're already in really dangerous territory.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:02]:
100%.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:03]:
But it's funny, though, because I was just talking to my sister about this the other day about the guy and girl friendship thing, and we were like. We both were like, wow, we're so glad that, like, my dad doesn't have, like, really good girlfriends.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:18]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:18]:
Like, I would feel so weird if my dad was like, oh, I'm going to go grab dinner with this woman. I'm like, I'm sorry, what are you doing? Like, absolutely not. Or, like, texting. Like, there's just. It's funny, like, as like a, like a parent child thing. I'm like, I'm so glad that he doesn't have girlfriends. Like, now they have couple friends and just like you said. But it's like, even for eventually your kids to watch as, like, what healthy boundaries.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:48]:
Now he's not like, I'm never talking to anybody that's a girl or anything like that. He's actually, like, super friendly with everybody. But I do appreciate that, like, the stability that that has for a home.
Morgan May Treuil [00:14:59]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:59]:
To not feel like, oh, gosh, this. Because you just hear. I mean, you hear the horror stories, but it's like, if you can guard yourself against that, and some of that might mean letting go of some friendships that, like, you know yourself deep down that, like, this is unhealthy.
Morgan May Treuil [00:15:15]:
That's a good point. I think what's cool about the way what's. I think what's cool about the environments that we work in is that Benji knows all of my, like, work friends because it's also ministry and it's church. So he's a part of all of those friendships as well. But I'm imagining, you know, like, my dad didn't have my mom or my dad didn't really have friends of the opposite sex.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:38]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:15:39]:
Well, no one, Neither of them ever had friends of the opposite sex that they saw one on one. But it's like, my mom worked in ministry, so then the people that she was friends with, our whole family knew. But my dad, his job was, like, corporate, totally separate. And I wonder if sometimes that creates some stress, because if someone has a job or a part of their life that's so removed from yours, then the people that they have relationships with, your one. You're. You don't have relationship with them also. So then it's like, that's. You know, you see them messaging people that you're unfamiliar with.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:15]:
Like, people pop up in their phone that you don't have familiarity, and you're like, what's going on?
Leslie Johnston [00:16:20]:
Like. Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:16:20]:
And it's. It's that, like, how do you. I don't know how you. How do you. Other than, like, over communication in their life. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:28]:
Go to the company parties. Go, like, visit them at work and not in, like, a sneaky. I'm gonna figure out who's around you. Yeah. But more in, like, get to know the people around them, because you never know. Like, they could be great, awesome people that they work with. And it's like, once you develop those friendships and they can become friendships that are between the actual, like, three of you.
Jake Messner [00:16:48]:
Yeah. And if he's trying to keep his life separate or his work life.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:52]:
Big red flag.
Jake Messner [00:16:52]:
Not beyond a red flag. That's a huge problem.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:55]:
Yes.
Jake Messner [00:16:57]:
On the spouses or on the significant others that are listening. If there's a part of your life that you are trying to keep as yours when you're in a serious, committed relationship with someone. I think. I think there comes a point in a relationship where men. You should be bringing someone into, like, all areas. So if you're. If you have a job and you're like, oh, those are my work friends, don't worry about that. You should be inviting the other person or your significant other in, because there's.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:20]:
Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:17:20]:
Any relationship that you're trying to keep hidden is. I would just say, is a huge red flag.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:25]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:25]:
Yeah. And if you're like, why are you.
Jake Messner [00:17:27]:
Trying to keep it hidden?
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:28]:
Well, that. Or like, even if that's not. Even if the. The motivation isn't, I'm gonna keep this part of my life hidden. But, like, this is my space, you know, like, that whole motivation. I think that. Not that you can't have things in marriage that are like, yours and theirs, you know, like.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:44]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:45]:
Benji hunts ducks all the time. And I'm like, that doesn't need to.
Jake Messner [00:17:48]:
Be my thing, though.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:49]:
But sometimes I'll do it. But I'm like, this doesn't need to be.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:52]:
This is awesome. Not a lot of girls inside out.
Morgan May Treuil [00:17:55]:
This can be your thing, you know, like, there's, there's. You're allowed to have things in your, in your marriage and in your. Where. This is kind of my lane. I run in this lane. This is kind of your lane. You run in this lane. But I think specifically surrounding community, that's something where, if you get to a point where you're like, it's not that I'm trying to be secretive, it's just that, like, this community is my thing.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:14]:
I think that's a selfishness question of, like, am I getting ready and preparing myself to really share my life with somebody else? And then it's a. It's a question mark of like, am I being secretive? But also, am I being selfish? And a part of marriage is like, I'm going to fully lay down all the stuff that was just mine, and I'm going to bring you into it and help to make it yours too. So if you have somebody that you're dating that's keeping everything really separate, I would say that's like worth a big conversation and maybe an evaluation of. Is this something that I want to move forward with? Maybe.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:46]:
Totally.
Jake Messner [00:18:47]:
I would agree.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:47]:
Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:18:49]:
But also, don't be a girl that comes into a relationship too quick and tells a guy like, hey, dump. Dump your guy or dump your girlfriend.
Morgan May Treuil [00:18:55]:
I think you need to wade into things like wade and evaluate. And the other hard part, too is that everybody has previous past experiences that inform their present. So.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:07]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:07]:
You know how when you. You dated one person and then the next person you dated, you started to approach that new relationship just like you approach the old one, but it's a new person.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:15]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:16]:
So then you have to like, okay, wait, stop. This isn't that person. I'm not the person I used to be. Let me reset and then start over. So with that, I just think that people tend to, like, come in jealous and intimidated because of previous experiences.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:31]:
Yes.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:32]:
And ways of thinking. So I'm like, I think if you're dating somebody who has a well established friend group, a look at that as a positive thing. They are able to maintain really good friendships. That's good for our life. B. Weight in, observe. Be generous with your thinking. But if you notice concerns over time, then be vocal about those things.
Morgan May Treuil [00:19:55]:
But I would say just like, ease in and evaluate before you come in swinging. Like, this girl's a no.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:01]:
That guy's a no.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:02]:
No. Gone. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:03]:
Yes. And some of it is, like, you do have to date long enough to figure out what that person, like, what are the gifts that God has given them? Because if we just blanket said, like, you can never be friends with a girl or a guy of the opposite sex, whatever, then you are stifling a little bit of, like, maybe why God has wired that person. Like, I just think of this example of, like, when Michael and I first started dating. I think our first Valentine's Day. I don't remember. I think two. I think you and another roommate were single at the time.
Morgan May Treuil [00:20:35]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:36]:
And it was Valentine's Day, and he got me a Valentine's Day gift. But he also got you and, like, a card and a balloon or something, and I forgot about that.
Jake Messner [00:20:47]:
That's a great move.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:48]:
It's a great move, honestly, a strategic move. But I remember being like. I mean, I thought it was awesome because I know their relationships, but I remember being like, I totally could spin this. Like, what the heck? Like, I'm not. Like, he got them something too. Like, this is so weird. It's about to happen.
Morgan May Treuil [00:21:05]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:05]:
Could have gone crazy. I could have gone crazy.
Jake Messner [00:21:08]:
Who could have gone crazy? Which would have been crazy.
Morgan May Treuil [00:21:10]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:11]:
But looking at that, I'm like, he loves my friends, and he cares about them. Like, Michael's a super caring person. And even, like, this last Valentine's Day, he did Valentine's, like, for his whole office and got them all, like, candy and did this whole Valentine's Day party. And if I were weird about that, that would totally stifle, like, the way that God has equipped Michael to encourage people. Now I have to trust him enough that he's not crossing a line. Like, he's not giving some girl a Valentine that's like, ps, I love you. But, like, it's like, there is an element where you have to know the person well enough to, like, establish the trust and then letting them and freeing yourself up enough to be like, you know what? I trust them. They trust me.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:56]:
I'm gonna let them do this for somebody else. Because this is actually something that's awesome and encouraging to somebody. But it's like, if I had been insecure in that moment back then, it's like, I could have totally been like, what the heck? You know?
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:08]:
That's a good point. That's a great point. I think that there's a practical tip also for all of the friends, which, I mean, we have to talk. We have to do this for ourselves, too. When a guy or a girl in your friend group brings in someone, they're dating, it is really nice to be, like, above and beyond, kind and welcoming and to pursue, like, whoever the guy or the girl is that's coming in. Like, if you can go out of your way as the established friend group. Please. To make somebody feel comfy.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:42]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:42]:
Then that helps to. To eliminate any intimidation or, like, you know, thought spirals or all kinds of things.
Jake Messner [00:22:49]:
Be a good friend.
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:50]:
Be a really good friend.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:50]:
Be a good friend. Chick's like, you guys, be a good friend.
Morgan May Treuil [00:22:54]:
I know.
Jake Messner [00:22:55]:
Like, there was one time recently where we. I brought someone that I was going on dates with and we. We went to, like, in n out or something. And what happened naturally is the guys and the girls split up. All the guys sit at once and the girls sit at the other place. And it's this really awkward moment where it's like, well, I brought someone that doesn't know anyone else. Do I just send her off with the wolves? Which would be the females.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:16]:
Right.
Jake Messner [00:23:17]:
Send her off with the wolves or do I ever sit with the guys? And she went and one of. One of y'all and said, hey, just come sit with us. And made it like a seamless, beautiful transition.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:26]:
Genius.
Jake Messner [00:23:26]:
Where I was like, thank you. Thank you, Rosie. It was Rosie. I'm like, rosie, thank you so much for caring for that person. Well. In that moment. So if you're. If you're in a friend group.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:35]:
Yes.
Jake Messner [00:23:36]:
And one of your friends brings a significant other around, the best thing you can do is care for that significant other.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:41]:
Well, yeah, Yeah, I think that's great.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:43]:
And vice versa. If you're a new person and you're starting to date someone and they have friends or family or whatever it is, like, get to know the other people. You don't need to be glued to the side of the person you're dating.
Morgan May Treuil [00:23:55]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:56]:
And it's not. I mean, it's everybody's jobs to get to know each other. I think some people get in their minds like, well, it's their job to approach me and make me feel comfortable into this group. And it's like, no, it's not. It's your job. Like, you are also entering and you actually want to date this person. So it's also on you to be like, I'm not just being glued. Ed Sheeran, he crazy Ed Sheeran, he said that he knew.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:23]:
He knew his wife was his wife because he said, I. Now, as horrible as it sounds, he's like, I tested her. We went to, like, this big party that was happening. We had just started a date. He's like, I was really into her, but I was like, I need to know if she can hang with my friends. So he's like, we walked into the party, and whether this is right or not, he's like, I left her. I literally left her and walked, went and said hi to somebody else, whatever. Because I wanted to test to see if she could, like, float, like, if she could hold her own.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:47]:
And he's like, by the end of night, I look over across the room, and she's laughing with all my friends. She's taken them all in, like, asked everybody, like, who they were.
Jake Messner [00:24:55]:
But that says just as much about her as it does his friends. That means his friends. Great people. You're in a friend group or you're. You have a bunch of friends, and when you bring someone around, they are ice cold. You. You either need to have a conversation with them or I would say boot them. Like, if your friend groups are being, yes, absolutely ice cold.
Jake Messner [00:25:13]:
The people you bring around. If you. If I bring someone, I'm like, hey, I really care about this girl. I'm dating her. I bring her around, and y'all become, like, ice cold.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:22]:
I feel like you're saying this like, we've done this before.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:24]:
No, we've never. We've been so great. Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:25:26]:
Wildly supportive.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:27]:
Wildly, wildly supportive.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:28]:
Thank you.
Jake Messner [00:25:29]:
That would be a huge problem. So I would say you have relationships that do that, man. I would. I would. I mean, I'm a direct. Ask the direct question, but I'd be like, why are you guys.
Morgan May Treuil [00:25:38]:
Why are you guys being crazy? And for Ed Sheeran's wife and for all the girls that are entering into already established friendships, you will feel more safe and more stable when you establish your own connections that are just him. So the faster you can do that, which not everyone's personality is wired that way, but the faster you can do that, the safer that you will feel like you feel more confident entering into his world. If you have your own people and your own connections to, you know, to do that with. I think that's exactly. That's a great practical step.
Jake Messner [00:26:05]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:05]:
Well, this was a great combo. I feel like we got.
Morgan May Treuil [00:26:08]:
We got a lot of different.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:09]:
A lot of different nuances. Any. Any closing comments? Anything? You're like, oh, I wish everybody knew this about friendship.
Jake Messner [00:26:19]:
Yeah, I think I. I would just say if you're in a relationship and your significant other is asking you to either check or, like, get on top of some of your relationships with the opposite sex, there's always going to come a crossroads to Ask like, well, what do I value more? And so if you feel like I just think in my. In my. When this has happened to me, when that crossroads comes, I think it speaks a lot to both your friends and your significant other. But sometimes there's. There is a time where you're gonna have to choose which relationship you value more. I don't think that's a terrible thing.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:51]:
Yeah, that is good.
Morgan May Treuil [00:26:54]:
That's great. I don't really have anything else to say. I feel like we. I just think it's an interesting conversation.
Jake Messner [00:26:59]:
I will say this. It does make me think this. Of how healthy our friend group is.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:03]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jake Messner [00:27:04]:
I'm like, we have a really healthy. It just feels great.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:07]:
Yeah.
Jake Messner [00:27:07]:
I'm so blessed.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:08]:
Yeah. I think the takeaway with conversations like this is. Is really to cause you to evaluate your current setup and to make sure that you're walking in as much wisdom as you can. And I do think that sometimes when it comes to your singleness season, you prioritize wisdom less because you have less to lose.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:27]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:28]:
But if you prioritize wisdom less in your singleness, it will be harder to get your wisdom meter. Meter up when you are in marriage and you're in serious relationships.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:37]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:38]:
So, like, prioritize wisdom now so that. That can be your default setting later.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:43]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:44]:
I think is sort of the.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:45]:
Because you'd hate for your. Your decisions now to deter the person that you actually want to be with.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:50]:
Exactly.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:51]:
From you.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:51]:
It's like the conversation of, like, it's. It's the stupid Christian thing where it's like, be the person that the person you're looking for is looking for.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:59]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:27:59]:
But the. The truth of that is, is, like, you will attract somebody now who is looking for a person of wisdom.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:08]:
Yeah.
Morgan May Treuil [00:28:08]:
If you become a person of wisdom now. So think. Just evaluate the stuff. And that's. That's life. Right. Life is an evaluation of what is unhealthy in my life, what is cause for stumble. Let me eliminate those things.
Morgan May Treuil [00:28:21]:
Bring these things into health. Like, that's life. That's constantly life. So, yeah. Make sure that you're doing that with your guy and girl friendships so that you can have thriving guy and girl friendships. Because the moral of this conversation was not don't have them. The moral of the conversation was like, no, have them and have them in health so that you can have them. They can sharpen you, but also so you can protect your other relationships and your own heart.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:44]:
Exactly. I love that.
Morgan May Treuil [00:28:46]:
It's great.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:46]:
Well, Jake, thanks for coming on the podcast again.
Jake Messner [00:28:49]:
What an honor. What a blessing.
Morgan May Treuil [00:28:51]:
What a gift.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:51]:
We're going to just clip all these, and they're going to go viral like they did before.
Jake Messner [00:28:55]:
Oh, gosh.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:56]:
I'll rip you apart on there. On Instagram, when people I went to.
Jake Messner [00:29:00]:
High school with are sending me clips.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:02]:
Of of of this, but on other profiles, other pages. That's crazy. Something. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:08]:
I hated it, but a part of it felt good. A part of it felt good.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:11]:
No, no, no, no, no.
Jake Messner [00:29:11]:
I thought, I love going viral. Don't like going viral.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:14]:
Don't like it.
Jake Messner [00:29:14]:
Don't like it.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:15]:
Well, let's hope this episode bombs y vulnerable.
Morgan May Treuil [00:29:19]:
All right, we'll see you guys next time. When am I doing this? Right.